friends to crackheads

i luv california. i luv the bay area. the people tho, cray. idk how it is in other states but it's lit out here, evryone b drinking n smoking n raving n allat, like its middle school n high school activities out here. i think n i know that bc i was a part of it. i used to pop pills in middle school up to when i started high school- then i started taking acid. too much. fucked my brain off. 

the people around me were pretty much the same- started in middle school, got worse in high school. but the difference now between me and those people i grew up with is that i'm california sober tryna get right n these people i still see as the kid version of themselves are still chasing the dragon. it's sad. 

my bestie from high school started using cocaine right before we graduated n continued until idk when (maybe present day), n she started tweaking on me. she lived in my house for a minute but during that time she decided that i was against her- so she gave me the silent treatment n would talk shit to my other friends about me calling me broke n selfish n shit that didnt make sense because i was the one helping her out. she moved out eventually but was still getting mail to my house and i been told her to come get it but all of a sudden she wants to act all scary. like she gonna get jumped coming to my house to pick up her mail. i loved that ho like family. the last thing i said to her after that is "i love you but you are no longer welcome in my life or in my house". (seems a little harsh but she also got my little sister on the powder so yeah) 

this little girl i known since she was 12 is why im writing this rn. she texted me today trying to cause problems between me and my sister. out of evryone i know that is addicted, she throws me in the biggest fucking loop every time she speaks. it's bad. 

since ive met her she has always confided in me about her problems with men and her mental. she was always being groomed n taken advantage of- sometimes for trade. we would talk about our beliefs about the world and thats where her mental illness started poking through for the first time. but as she has grown up, it has gotten so much worse. she cant seem to break any of her cycles. she used to be a blossoming artist, she would obviously put her soul into her drawings and tattoos. but then she got carried away with the tattoos because she doesn't do shit other than get high, sit in her room, or party. so she has visibly looked like a crackhead since before she turned 18, but now that she is almost 19 i fear that the crackhead-ness is permanent for her. 

she has been able to gain apprenticeships at tattoo parlors in the past- but she got fired from each one because she can't control her sexual desires. she lusted after a security officer at one of the mental hospitals she was at, got his number, they texted for a while, and then she snapped out of it, realized it was disgusting, and threatened him and posted screenshots of her threatening him with the caption being like "tee hee when a man blah blah <3". she constantly posts paragraphs on her instagram story exposing her mental and she is always in her own world- it's worse irl. she started saying stuff about how our energies open portals every time we are together and other manic ass shit.

i get it tho. i am mentally ill too. sometimes it sucks me into a different version of reality for a while. thats why my substance abuse started. and i know thats why theirs started too- to cope. but with each of these people, n with everyone, i try to have conversations of more and it always seemed like those conversations inspired them n got their neurons firing. i thought me and my bestie were on the same page but she spiraled. i thought me and the little girl saw the same beauties in life, but she has an ugly ass lens stuck on her eyes now. 

idk. it's weird.