02/05/2025 - Happy Birthday

Okay, I've turned 17 today, and it feels like so much as changed. I know no one will probably read this or care, which is partly why I chose to post this vent/rant or whatever here. I don't have any friends on here, and it just feels more safer to talk about what I feel.

So, I moved back to my country last year, August, and I still haven't gotten used to anything.

I don't have friends, and I'm scared that I'm losing the ones I try to stay in contact with online. I know everyone is busy with their own things, especially since it GCSE season at the moment, but no one has really spoken to me after last year October. I miss my friends, I miss my school. 

I feel like I'm slowly deteriorating, I can't see myself now and myself before the same anymore. There are no siimilarities. I don't feel like myself here. I feel like I'm walking in someone else's shoes and I just want to wake up. 

I eat lunch alone now, the most conversations I have at school are with 4th graders in my bus and my younger siblings' classmates. My own feel so odd, and they all have a general shit personality. 

Today is my birthday, and about 2 people have sent me wishes. I don't often care about who remembers my birthday, because I know people have better things to remember. But this year it felt so lonely because I couldn't even see anyone. I couldn't go to school at 6AM to wait for my classmates and friends to roll in one by one. I've never really gotten a birthday gift, because all I wanted was someone. This one it seems no one really bothered, because I've always gotten wishes in real life and online — people remembered me. 

It feels like I'm fading away into nothing, that I was a part of everyone's lives they're slowly forgetting and move on from. I know I should move on from my past and accept that things are different in a new country and a new school, but I can't do that when nothing's been proven to me yet. I want someone to take my mind off things, I want a friend to eat lunch with, I want to play video games with my friends, I want to call someone, I want to talk to someone.