well im cooked and i saw smth im pretty sure i was NOT supposed to see

hii i js need somewhere to vent and idrk where to do it so since almost nobody knows im here ill js do it here lmao

so i am currently on call with some friends at the moment so i can focus my head on this instead of puking out a bunch of random words but yeah, its also the only time ive spilled out my true, honest to god emotions abt this stuff

so theres this one guy i really like, hes my ex but someone who i consider one of my best friends. we dated back in 7th grade for around 6 almost 7 months, and eventually he broke up with me cuz stuff js didnt work out yk? but we still agreed to be friends and all that stuff cuz yeah. and we've each dated a few other people since.

over the years since then, ive redeveloped feelings for him more times than i'd like to admit, but id like to ignore that LMAO

anyways fast forward to may of last year, i think im fine and have completely gotten over him, until a little birdie tells me that he started dating this one other guy in band, and i started feeling really bad about it, ig i was jealous or whatever but even still to this day this guy rubs me the wrong way, even though hes been dating someone else for a long time now. but all of that aside, since may of last year ive been in love with said friend.

fast forward AGAIN to around november, he randomly messaged me saying smth like "do u still think abt us?" and i damn near almost folded, but since i valued our friendship, i tried to reject these delusions and i said that we should leave it in the past.

fast forward to january, the day after my talent show performance, i found out that he started liking me again. ofc me being me, this was like fuckin christmas for me, i was actually so happy. a few days later, we started flirting again, but it ultimately ended. this happened a few more times but they all stopped. ive kinda js been dealing with this back and fourth bc if im being honest ill deal with anything when it comes to him, again i am HEAD OVER HEELS for this guy. recently hes been talking abt this other guy he liked which has been KILLING me but ofc i keep my mouth shut abt it, while filling my head with a bunch of false hope at the same time. id also like to say at this point of my rambling that i have a lot of issues with wanting attention and being overly attached, so as you could imagine this was absolute hell for me. but anyways yeah im genuinely in love with him and i think im cooked asf, bc i feel like my feelings are getting stronger as time goes by. id also like to mention theres a girl that we're both friends with that ive kinda been having a thing for at the same time, but its really not as much as him.

but anyways fast forward to TODAY..... i got on here for the first time in like what a week? and i stumbled across a blog he made. i read the title and i could immediately connect the dots and figure out it was abt me, and i freaked the hell out, and read it bcz like what else am i supposed to do? and i was obviously NOT supposed to see it. now im worried and freaking out bc i have this really irrational fear that he'll become uncomfortable with me or something idk idk idk i just dont want anything awkward between us either bc hes also one of my best friends :sob: