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lately, i've been going on walks nearly everyday. usually with my mom, since she likes to tag along, and i like it, too. this is something new to me. i followed the same routine my whole life. go to school. stay awake during class. go home. stay inside, eat, browse the internet, sleep. repeat. I'm not working right now (im on campus usually 8-12 hours a day + commuting. and im trying to get over some major social anxiety that's ruined basically my entire life. but i'll get there. i do wanna get better) so i don't really do much other than homework.
walking has been nice. i get to reconnect with my neighborhood i thought so distant from me. though i feel better walking usually, it's like im enjoying the walk through VR googles sometimes. i'll reflect on my life, and i look up, and suddenly it's like everything in front of me feels fake and i'm trying to make sense that i'm a real person who's grown up. that the earth is real. that the lake in front of me exists, the houses i see have people in them, and that the view in front of me isn't some videogame i am merely experiencing. it goes from clear to almost feeling like those poorly rendered 3D games of the 2000's. you know the graphics were better as a kid, but you're looking at it now and nothing quite feels as it did.
i suppose walking more and being present outside my bubble has made me a little more self aware of just how screwed i really am. i feel eons beyond my peers. i am behind, objectively. i know i'm 22, everyone tells me i'm still young. i have time. but the time i missed is not coming back. i feel like a scared kid trapped in my head. and i think about how if i met a younger version of me. elementary school. middle school. high school. i won't have any new accomplishments to tell them. i'd have to tell them, "i'm sorry. everything's still the same. i'm sorry for failing you. i know we prayed to the universe for it to get better, but i didn't do that yet." and then i think of meeting me at 25, 30, 35, and i can only continue to pray that they'd have something new to say. that i get the strength to be myself finally.
but the clouds are beautiful today. i always love looking at the clouds. they're my favorite part of the sky. I've teared up before at particularly pretty clouds. i can see the moon peaking through in the bright sky. the universe looking down at us. like we're ants. and maybe that's a good thing to be so small in the grand scheme of things. i look back at the universe, and i smile. there's a whole world out there. the grass is green. the lake is calm. i can hear kids laughing as they play soccer. my mom is next to me, telling me about how her coworker and his wife met on an FPS game. she didn't remember the name of it, of course, but she then showed me pictures of their cat. expensive breed. very cute. i take a deep breath. i blink my eyes a couple times to try to make the world feel a little more real and less like an out of body experience. and i reply back.
the world is beautiful.
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R0MA!
does it count as an achievement for you to know that you made a stranger tear up at the beauty of few lines you wrote?
i feel as if no matter how beautiful the world is, i simply do not belong, i am outside of this material world, i, as you said, feel like an observer, experienceing it from vr goggles
i would look at the greenery in awe, and i would not believe it is there, i simply cannot, i will touch it, smell it, take a closer look, talk to it and expect a response, but nothing, i could see better on a screen, and it would feel just as it is feeling now
i cannot feel what's real, it's not exceptional anymore
i cant enjoy anything if it does not have emotional background music accompanying it
and for accomplishments? im only 18, and i know life is still ahead of me, but i am impatient, i am so impatient for when to start that i forget it has started 18 years ago, i forgot this is my life and not just a tutorial or a cutscene
we know how to feel, but we kinda forgot how to live, didnt we? we disconnected and it feels like this connection can never be re-established
i cannot bond with people, or maybe i do, but my standards of what a "real bond" are too idealistic? i only recall my favorite moments through screens, i forget to live the moments when they are my present
we gave up the present, and we're saying the future seems dim, and we're saying we did not live the past properly, what else do we have if there is no past present and future for us? of course we'll feel such alienation, of course we'll feel like we're missing out, like we're behind, like nothing around us exists, like WE ourselves dont exist
did we exile ourselves or is our misery a product of our circumstances?
should we care about who's to blame
or how to make the world feel real again?
achievement unlocked
master yapper
El Chivo
I can't tell where that feeling of disconection from reality comes from but I've felt it too. When you're doing something and you're not really paying attention to it until out of nowhere you remember "hey! I AM alive, I'm a real person" it's insane... like you were a robot before, like you didn't exist until that moment
yes thank you :') its always hard to describe this sort of feeling in words bc it feels so wordless!! it does feel like a robot like how you said. or like an alien. or a floating pair of eyes where its easy to forget u have an actual living body. its such an odd experience to describe to ppl who've never felt that way before bc they look at u all odd :p
by CAGE ★; ; Report
cullen.obj
My god I could resonate more with your third paragraph. I'm 20 and by some miracle got into college, but I'm not doing very well right now. I feel such a strong drive to make something of myself, but no matter how much I want it, it doesn't materialize. I can't convert my desires into real actions. Meanwhile my friends from high school are thriving. Dating, doing great in school, making real connections, some already have the rest of their lives laid out for them. I have no idea where I'm going. And it's me. I'm the problem. 99.9% of other people would do fine in my circumstances. My friends and family love and support me, I'm financially stable, and as you said, the world is beautiful. My family is originally from Bohemia and moved to the U.S before I was born. Every day I wish they never left, and I was instead born in the quiet little farming village they were from. I could just join the family business and not have to worry about getting a job with good health insurance.
Sorry, I meant to say 'could not' instead of 'could' in my first sentence!
by cullen.obj; ; Report
ahh I'm glad it could resonate with you :') sometimes i get so embarrassed and i feel so doomed because, like how exactly you said, i see my peers going on expensive vacations, married (at this age!??!?) and having like these awesome jobs and opportunities with these sick ass apartments and i feel like . why not me !! when is it my turn !!? and its very easy to feel like the work you put out isn't getting returned. in the us rn jobs suck so much its really no brainer to understand why you wish you could join your family's business -- sounds sick. stress free. no interviews where they take advantage of ur time. truly the life !! it'll be our time to shine soon !!!!! 2025 is gonna be our year !!!
by CAGE ★; ; Report