small rant on my mild obsession with him

Okay 'obsession' makes it sound kind of bad (it is), but It's gotten to a point I can barely look at them without smiling and wanting to coo and hold them it's ROUGH. No we are not together no matter how much I want that. Trans guy+ trans guy who will not come out until their immediate family perishes and they can live their happy life kissing whoever they want does not usually equal a happy pairing.

Even if he did somehow fall head over heels for me like I already did like 8 months ago I am not enough as person to love them the way I want to. In my past relationship it was a lot of words vs actions not really matching and even though I was extremely mentally ill (both from normal life and the relationship) it shouldn't be an excuse for how I treated her and definitely not how she treated me.

But oh my god when I say I would go through endless hoops for this boy I'm so serious. He likes taller guys and I am like 5 something inches shorter, I'LL GET LEG EXTENTIONS FOR YOU, I'll go to the gym constantly so I look like those guys you look at and yes, I'll even practice my instrument and pick up more along the way just for you to look at me. 

Waaaaah how do I tell someone I'm completely utterly in love with them just for existing and caring for me. We're friends, maybe not BEST friends cause I get far too nervous and awkward not knowing how to start conversation with them when we're alone but I know if I say anything I'm COOKED. I'm terrified that he does slightly know I'm in love with him but chooses to ignore it because omg I will never live that down and I worry I'm very obvious.

They're genuinely so perfect in my eyes, flaws and all and ik that's not a 'real love' kind of thing to say about someone but oh my god you just have to see him and talk to him he's the sweetest most genuine person oml.   

Seeing him do what he loves and that genuine passion behind it is something that melts my heart every time. I feel so greedy to want to be a part of that, and I even started similar hobbies and mannerisms just because he's so inspiring.

I feel so awful talking about my admiration and appreciation as well, thinking about my past relationship and how set I was on us. I truly truly was and believed we we're forged to be together but I had no idea my heart could feel like this around someone. I'm not scared of disappointing him the same way I was terrified to even trouble her. 

I know in my heart and soul how much love and care he deserves and I WISH I COULD GIVE IT TO HIM but alas I'm not born a boy and cannot inspire the way he guides me.

Why must he be every other thought in my head when I know I'm just a passing idea once in a while.