Thought log (6) 1st May 2025 - Life and it's troubles

I feel like I always have something going on and I am starting to feel like I'm a bit of a burden on my friends cause every time they ask me how I am they have to sit there and listen to me talking about how things just aren't going great for me and I really do try and stop myself from going on long tangents and I try to just keep it to " I've been better " and like I know I could just lie and say I'm fine or I'm doing alright but I spent so long telling myself that my feelings are valid and I shouldn't be ashamed or feel bad for the way I feel and that I can say I am not okay without feeling like I'd be reprimanded and I always tell people that if they're not feeling alright to speak to someone cause while it won't always fix the problem it's always nice to know you have people you can talk about it with instead of just having to let it eat away at your brain while you tell everyone everything's okay.

It just feels like every time I try and get better something happens and then I have to redo all the work I just did, I'm quite literally at war with my mind everyday and I feel like i've lost myself honestly, if you told me a year ago I wouldn't feel like myself I would've laughed in your face and told you that's impossible cause I was on the road to being fully at peace and content with my life and that's I think one of the biggest things I hate about looking at the past is all the past versions of myself i've failed, I was supposed to be better, I was supposed to get better, I was supposed to be content, just content, that's all I wanted, just to be content but here I am whilst i will say i'm proud that I have calmed down and been able to be more peaceful about situations instead of crashing out like I would've many years ago, that is one thing i'm proud of, the fact I have not completely gone back to old bad habits. But at the end of the day i'm still exhausted and I know i'll push through and bounce back, I always do just this time around its taken a much much much longer time then usual I have to keep reminding myself i'll get back on the right path and this is just one small bump in the long journey I have a head of me and even if I don't feel like me today tomorrow or the day after that I know one day, one day i'll feel like myself again