apathetic encounters with oneself: who even are you???

i have shed my skin so many times but i cannot wash my sheets enough to keep up with my constant metamorphosis—so my cells remain in the air of my bedroom, alive or not. i keep collections of pulses and i could draw out the veins on my wrist without looking, but nothing spills from me anymore. i have outgrown letting myself pour out through my forearms and have turned to inhalation of other forms of coping.

maybe if i drew out all of my nerves i could knit a new girl and i could be ok again, maybe this time you could love me and have me as your bride and i will mother your children.

i am not a smart girl, i do not remember how to do long multiplication (in fact truthfully i even struggled to spell it), a me who existed lightyears ago would be appalled with my current state.

my head constantly spins and each step i take is more uncertain than the last, my hands shake with a consistency i do not know in any other context, how can someone like me know someone like you, and how could GOD be cruel enough to make me exist alongside you when i cannot have you properly? how dare you embroid my skin with silver thread, you know it burns me and i will disintergrate into dust not purity.

please don't say you love me as you drunkingly push me into a fence, you do not mean what you say nor do you understand the gravity of it. 

for i have been so many girls before and been with so many boys that i cannot even count how many lips have been on mine, i'm not sure you'd want to know the true number even if i desired to be honest with you.

in adolescence i would see static in the dark in a wonderfully lonely kind of way, tiny morsels of colour that would dance around my ceiling and when i asked my father if he could see them too he rolled over in bed and his snoring bore on.

i have cried enough tears that if i could've been useful they could've replenished wetlands that are now just land. i don't even know what i am speaking for anymore but all i have known is my voice and since i learnt of diction i have not shut my mouth since.

I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM. I DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF I WISH YOU TELL YOU. THERE IS NOTHING ABOUT ME TO KNOW, I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING
I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING
I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING 

I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING

I KNOW NOTHING.

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