Realization

I like to spend time with my mom on Mondays. After a decade of not having her nearby, I try to spend face-to face time with her at least once a week, and honestly, it's really great. Recently, when our talk hasn't been about beading or plants (spring is here!!), it has been about politics. More specifically, it has been about what is happening, and what this county is being giddily led into by a bunch of goose-stepping morons.

And as I sat on her couch, telling her how scared I am for the lives of just about everyone I know (myself included), I actually felt reality settle in. I'm generally really good at compartmentalizing things, so while I've known what was happening and where we were headed, I could shove it in a box and go on living daily life without breaking down in a panicky, sobbing mess. But it was a completely other thing to just suddenly KNOW.

There is no going back from this, now. We are in it for the long haul.

I get to spend my prime years living in a dictatorship.

I pray that my brain is overblowing things. I pray that everything I read on NPR is hyperbolized. I pray that it won't be as bad as it seems. I pray that every day I wake up, that everyone wakes up with me and grips those bastards by their necks and shows them what "With Liberty and Justice for All" really looks like. (note to self, add a mouth guard shopping list)

I sat on my mom's couch with an open mouth, a silent tongue, and a vacant stare, and the bone-chilling realization that there is no more hiding from my own brain anymore. The only thing I could do when I resurfaced was tell her,

 "I know you didn't ever plan for this."

She fought so hard for me to be born, and had she known, maybe she would have let me go.

One of the worst things is that I don't know if I can even talk to one of my sisters. We need family, and I don't know who she is. 8 years is a big gap between siblings, and it's only grown with time, and so now, she's a big mystery, and I don't even know who she is.

I just want my family. I just want my mom, and my sisters, and the kids, and I want everyone I know nearby, and safe, and able to be trusted, and to not fight.

Huh.

Some more realizations, I guess. =/

Anyway, I wake up in 6 hours. Night.