another slipped post

i feel a change within me

it's as if i'm withering away but slowly and slightly and subtly. i feel a constant weight on my body and i am not even carrying anything, and my sneakers are even light, and i'm just wearing summer clothes, yet i feel as if i'm holding 1 ton of weight on my back.

then the apetite, it's as if it's fading slowly away. everything feels disgusting, not even sweets can satisfy me. the taste is just a lie to what my body feels sometimes. but sometimes when i like the taste of the food, i feel as if my stomach will explode after i consume it. it's as if the oil is just a poison to my body.

it's funny how as soon as summer started, i started to feel my body rot.

i guess it's just my hate toward some people's behavior, it's as if they're performing fake wiseness and i fucking hate when they are right, when i know they are just saying it to pamper themselves like they always do.

they also tend to manipulate you emotionally, which makes me feel even more to never justify any of their actions.

i have been manipulated emotionally, my empathy has been weaponized and used against me for 20 years, because my dad did that to me, and my friend in primary school i dropped when i was 14.

i just want to cut ties with my dad and never see his ass again.

i have forgotten every single moment with a friend i dropped at 14, and i start forgetting since then. i believe i will forget everything i've ever had with my father, making him just a stranger.

i cannot remember anymore for i have forgotten to remember, for my forgetting started when i was 7

i have already started to build meaning, but i'm constantly beat down, and whenever someone says i'm victimizing myself i feel as if i need to erase my existence

i constantly question myself and think of how i fake everything that i've been building until this moment, i feel as if i've been the villain this whole time, i feel as if i am faking everything in order to get what i want, in order to get vaildation, i feel as if everything is collapsing as soon as i reveal my true feelings to someone, and only my feeling of rot seems real.

even now as i'm writing this, my thoughts of decision swing like a pendulum, between publishing this or not, as if it's a situation of life or death, i am too scared of how people will precieve this post, whether they hate me or not, yet at the same time i cannot care less because i am so exhausted to care.

because i am so exhausted of the pressure that expectations and precieving create, maybe that's why my body has been feeling so heavy lately.

i am just disgusted at the world, both physically, psychologically, and socially, meaning that's why my apetite is so low lately.

i'm so tired of being a friend, a daughter, a sister, a twin, a girl, a person, a user, a publisher, an admin, i just want to be a stranger, not even that, i want to be invisible to everyone that has met me or is about to meet me.

i wish i could phyiscally block people but i cannot because i am too much of a pussy to do it, and to run away but i am too afraid of the uncomfortable nature that are insects.

i just wish i could never existed again.