magic is fun! // a year and a half later

magic is fun! is the title of a song by the band Mannequin Planet, which i discovered by accident, because it was recommended to me by my ex. yeah, that one. two years (ish) ago, when he got me a CD for my birthday. i just listened to it.

that happened like this.

i just sent a message to him, out of the blue, the day before, and i knew he wouldn't get back to me. 'cause he hadn't yet, and it'd been so long. so i sent another message - to my friend, sam. we had a conversation about the whole thing. eventually i said this: "it traumatized me [his leaving]....he gave me a CD. i still haven't listened to it. i think i should." "i think you should listen to the CD."

so i did.

Mannequin Planet makes music that is sort of like...theatre. it's big, and brash, strange, funny, and very, very enjoyable. you can kind of make fun of it, before it pulls you by the hand and makes you dance. it's sort of like what femtanyl does, in that its very digital-hardcore, but it's also very - the band describes themselves this way, too - like a soundtrack to a B-movie. that is their discography.

it's fucking awesome.

i left a comment on the album that matches the CD-cover art on their Bandcamp, "so, i'm pretty sure *i* might seem insane for this [the album name is Insane Experiments], but my...ex, ex-friend(?), gave me a CD for my birthday, back when we still knew each other. and the insane part is i'm pretty sure you're supposed to ignore the stuff your exes give you, or give the stuff back, or whatever, but i didn't do any of that. i kept it, and *cherished* it, even though i was afraid to listen to it. the CD was this album plus a few tracks from the one with the pig head. i found that out yesterday when i listened to it for the first time, after a year and (almost) a half, since he left. the melancholy & joy, both, of that was, it was good. i could no longer talk to him about it, but the music was good, better than i was expecting, i don't even know what i was expecting. and i don't know why i was suddenly ready to listen to this. but i'm glad i did....thanks, buddy."

suddenly, after this long, in as much pain as i was in, new images flooded my mind. all the old images were of this guy, this guy i loved, as a symbol of hate. not that i hated him, but the only possibility, the only thing i could think of, was that he hated me. or thought nothing of me. but the new images were of him...thinking about me. caring.

he didn't tell me when he got it for me, but i picture - for some reason i got the feeling that - he got it for me that very night. the night of my birthday party - er, 'hangout,' i'm an adult, right? which is clearly last-minute and not well-planned at all, but it brings to mind him frantically racing around, "gotta find a good present for Benny, gotta find a good present for Benny, gotta find a good present for Benny," which is...earnest, and kind of tender. almost adorable. it brings to mind his sense of humor, his taste in music, his...description of himself, from around that time. "i'm the wacky & characteristic upper/caffeine/very tired guy." which brings to mind that every time he came over and stayed late into the night, like that night, i'd try to get him to just fucking stay, because his apartment sucked, his "flat" (raised Br*tish) sucked; his roommates sucked. it would be like a sleepover, and he might actually have some fucking peace. but i suppose, the thing is, just because you can offer doesn't mean anyone will ever take you up on it. he never did.

when i reported back to sam that the music was as good as it is, i realized; "there is a very simple sort of sadness here. that because we are no longer friends, i can't...text him excitedly about how good it is and thank him. i mean, it's not against the law. but i've texted him enough and the point is we're no longer...friends, or whatever we were....but it's also kind of poetic in that i think i listened to this at the exact right time in my life. like, had i not started listening to more punk and hardcore [like femtanyl!] and rock and stuff - on my own, after he left, because it was the genuine mood i was in - i wouldn't have appreciated this for what it is, and i would've have still been judgmental of it, because i was taught to be, and i wouldn't have enjoyed it at all."

with that, i grew strangely comforted by the music & proud i liked it.

i may not ever hear from that guy again. i mean, i actually strongly believe i never will hear from him again. i loved him more than anything or anyone else in the world, and he's gone, and for so long, i couldn't even believe it. i do now. it doesn't hurt less because i care about him less. or because i care less about how hurt i was; it was awful. it is awful every time i think of it. if we were to meet again, there is so much i would need from him on the order of amends. but only for the passage of time, and for the fact i still have one thing.

magic. music. music is fun!

thanks, buddy. i'll miss you until i die, but i don't own you. i do own that CD, that not a lot of other people in the world have, though. so...thanks.