magic is fun! is the title of a song by the band Mannequin Planet, which i discovered by accident, because it was recommended to me by my ex. yeah, that one. two years (ish) ago, when he got me a CD for my birthday. i just listened to it.
that happened like this.
i just sent a message to him, out of the blue, the day before, and i knew he wouldn't get back to me. 'cause he hadn't yet, and it'd been so long. so i sent another message - to my friend, sam. we had a conversation about the whole thing. eventually i said this: "it traumatized me [his leaving]....he gave me a CD. i still haven't listened to it. i think i should." "i think you should listen to the CD."
so i did.
Mannequin Planet makes music that is sort of like...theatre. it's big, and brash, strange, funny, and very, very enjoyable. you can kind of make fun of it, before it pulls you by the hand and makes you dance. it's sort of like what femtanyl does, in that its very digital-hardcore, but it's also very - the band describes themselves this way, too - like a soundtrack to a B-movie. that is their discography.
it's fucking awesome.
i left a comment on the album that matches the CD-cover art on their Bandcamp, "so, i'm pretty sure *i* might seem insane for this [the album name is Insane Experiments], but my...ex, ex-friend(?), gave me a CD for my birthday, back when we still knew each other. and the insane part is i'm pretty sure you're supposed to ignore the stuff your exes give you, or give the stuff back, or whatever, but i didn't do any of that. i kept it, and *cherished* it, even though i was afraid to listen to it. the CD was this album plus a few tracks from the one with the pig head. i found that out yesterday when i listened to it for the first time, after a year and (almost) a half, since he left. the melancholy & joy, both, of that was, it was good. i could no longer talk to him about it, but the music was good, better than i was expecting, i don't even know what i was expecting. and i don't know why i was suddenly ready to listen to this. but i'm glad i did....thanks, buddy."
suddenly, after this long, in as much pain as i was in, new images flooded my mind. all the old images were of this guy, this guy i loved, as a symbol of hate. not that i hated him, but the only possibility, the only thing i could think of, was that he hated me. or thought nothing of me. but the new images were of him...thinking about me. caring.
he didn't tell me when he got it for me, but i picture - for some reason i got the feeling that - he got it for me that very night. the night of my birthday party - er, 'hangout,' i'm an adult, right? which is clearly last-minute and not well-planned at all, but it brings to mind him frantically racing around, "gotta find a good present for Benny, gotta find a good present for Benny, gotta find a good present for Benny," which is...earnest, and kind of tender. almost adorable. it brings to mind his sense of humor, his taste in music, his...description of himself, from around that time. "i'm the wacky & characteristic upper/caffeine/very tired guy." which brings to mind that every time he came over and stayed late into the night, like that night, i'd try to get him to just fucking stay, because his apartment sucked, his "flat" (raised Br*tish) sucked; his roommates sucked. it would be like a sleepover, and he might actually have some fucking peace. but i suppose, the thing is, just because you can offer doesn't mean anyone will ever take you up on it. he never did.
when i reported back to sam that the music was as good as it is, i realized; "there is a very simple sort of sadness here. that because we are no longer friends, i can't...text him excitedly about how good it is and thank him. i mean, it's not against the law. but i've texted him enough and the point is we're no longer...friends, or whatever we were....but it's also kind of poetic in that i think i listened to this at the exact right time in my life. like, had i not started listening to more punk and hardcore [like femtanyl!] and rock and stuff - on my own, after he left, because it was the genuine mood i was in - i wouldn't have appreciated this for what it is, and i would've have still been judgmental of it, because i was taught to be, and i wouldn't have enjoyed it at all."
with that, i grew strangely comforted by the music & proud i liked it.
i may not ever hear from that guy again. i mean, i actually strongly believe i never will hear from him again. i loved him more than anything or anyone else in the world, and he's gone, and for so long, i couldn't even believe it. i do now. it doesn't hurt less because i care about him less. or because i care less about how hurt i was; it was awful. it is awful every time i think of it. if we were to meet again, there is so much i would need from him on the order of amends. but only for the passage of time, and for the fact i still have one thing.
magic. music. music is fun!
thanks, buddy. i'll miss you until i die, but i don't own you. i do own that CD, that not a lot of other people in the world have, though. so...thanks.
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francis, fran
to me the awesome part in particular is the realization that you've changed. you're not the same benny that would have avoided the CD.
and when you listened to it, you got music which happened to coincide with recent changes (discoveries) in your music taste.
and it's nice. listening to music, i mean. and as you said there's something bittersweet if not downright sad about not being able to text him about it like you once would. but you're also you.
something i've learned as a high schooler is that it's really not possible or necessary at all to "forget" about your exes, especially if they were truly important to you. i don't get why americans (at least the younger ones) are so adamant on forgetting the past. when i read your blog, i remembered what "moving on" actually feels like. it's important to recognize how much we loved people who aren't around anymore... and (sad as it is) how we've learned to get by without them. when i read your blog, i felt like i was peering into a fragile moment for a strong person. or maybe a strong moment for a fragile person. i'm not sure... from the few words of yours i've read i've gained a concept of you which i can only describe in poetic phrases. an attempt: a china cup that's been shattered and glued together / an oil painting done on an old pizza box / abandoned items which must've meant so much to someone else / things put around the house in a really thoughtful but unnoticable way / a drawer of old letters / a stained glass window if stained glass could lose its colors over time / etcetera. hopefully these makes some amount of sense. whatever the case, isn't it a bit awesome that the only way i can truly really describe you, at least as someone who can only know so much about you, as art? as a thing which has been broken and put together again in some sort of beautiful way. or a thing which is fragile but so grand yet so underappreciated.
i don't know. i truly do not intend on glazing you. i am simply just saying that i cannot describe how awesome you are when you present moments and situations in your blogs. it's like when i realized that black coffee had started tasting good. some sort of acquired taste aspect to you benny.
anyhow i really went ham on this comment but i think i was overdue on some sort of recognition for you.
hey, francis, dude,....this made me cry
in a good way. jfc. i thought i would feel utterly nothing today but actual tears are in my eyes
by benny // whalefall; ; Report
francis, fran
woah.
that's fucking awesome.
i agree, francis, it is awesome, yeah
by benny // whalefall; ; Report