I dont wanna be perceived....!!

cw suicide / sh mention 0_0

ouuhfghhhh having a physical form feels so limiting yanno? like I dont have a say in how my eyes or nose or lips will look, its all thanks to the deoxyribonucleic acid in me. aka my parents. its not like im insecure about my looks (even though I am aware I look like an underdeveloped 1 year old troglodyte) but rather,,,,I dont wanna be seen. or heard. or touched. 

I've always liked being an observer per se. participating in conversations and exchanges makes me feel icky; I know my mere presence is enough to make a person feel annoyed or uncomfortable, thus observing has always been my forte. also the way I stumble over my words sometimes or accidentally insult someone is so embarrassing!!!I just want the ground to  chew on me....

regardless, my point is that being an observer is natural for me. its right. not being seen or heard is normal to me at this point in my 16 years of existence--plenty of failed friendships and flat out bullying has done that to me. chipped at me into being the ideal observer. but of course there's that sociable part of me, the part that leaps at an opportunity to crack a joke or to giggle. 

thats the part of me I wish to kill. that sounds morbid. no, maybe suppress? or dull it? thats the part of me that makes people think, 'oh, this ones a little dumb! the perfect friend/victim/scapegoat!' thats what landed me into those situations. thats the part of me that embarrasses me, makes me think that everyone must hate me. I know its not true sometimes, but then again, I deny this and make it gospel truth that everyone dislikes me. 

my point. what was my point. oh yes. two sides of me exist; the sociable, stupid one and the moody, private one. I hate myself a bit more every time the former comes out. I can't control it.

 I feel like im a bit too nice to be broody and moody and glum. but not being perceived would prevent that, no? like,,,not being seen=not having a literal war in my head=peace, right? right,,???

im not saying I have split personalities by the way.  its just conflicting ideals co-existing (,,,or ope-existing) in my head. I've pretty much derailed w my original point.

oh also I wanna add. im not very open irl to be talking about my issues. I mean I think they're serious? as serious as suicide and sh since I was 8ish. I mean im not cutting nowww,,,,buttt the urges are there and are,,,,well a bit more violent admittedly. t

he reason im not open is because I cannot take myself seriously! a childish face like mine dealing with stuff like that????? nonsense!!! also maybe bc of not being understood about this stuff at a young age. thank my school for that. 

I am receiving (well gonna. still on a waiting list.) psychotherapy!! yay!!  I originally went for counselling but I got referred to a psychotherapist instead. they called on Friday to check on me. isn't that sweet? aww.

maybe I can learn to confront my issues w/o making fun or surpassing them...like omori....yeahhh....whitespace....

anyways im done......go check my bluesky.....ya....sorry this got dark round the end =_= ;....I sound so edgy reading this but I think you can tell I dont take this seriously lols