Psychosis

When I woke up on the morning of 12/21/2012 (a widely regarded "end of the world" day) I was just ready to walk to work at around 6 AM, which was also sunrise. When I stepped out my door, I was in awe of what I saw. I had the path straight out to the fence gate direct in front of me, and above it were two perfectly centered and stark rainbows. It was like walking into the gates of heaven, except I was just heading onto my way to work.

I was 23 at the time, and that's about when schizo spectrum disorders start "blossoming" like some fractal flower in young mens' brains if they're going to develop it. It was the WORST FUCKING TIMING. My head was inflated by sudden bipolar narcissism, and so I believed it MUST mean something about ME. I dove into some readings about the end of the world, from the bible and some others, and no matter what I did it appeared to my self-inflated sense of importance that anything mentioned of the antichrist had some connection with me, and it must be true because of the rainbow event I witnessed on the day of "the end of the world".

Except I believed in Jesus. I also didn't believe the world was truly "over" with, but we're on the verge of a new age and everybody knows it. So I figured, eh, maybe I'm just some guy who's pretty cool and gets everyone on board with whatever's coming next. That's not so bad. I even believed sometimes that I was going to become Christ-like even though I knew I was fallible at the time. How else could a person handle it when their life feels prophesied over? *That was probably exactly when I should have been committed to a state mental institution.* Religious invincibility is absolute madness and anyone who demonstrates that as a symptom whatsoever should be treated until they account for their own mortality.

And then the dog died, on Family Guy, Brian died and came back or whatever. That didn't help at all. Not one bit. Drove me completely insane, when I was already considering the idea I'd be some kind of holy figure or demon figure, I didn't know which, because I was INSANE.

That's just a few of the things that drove me bonkers. There's a band named Brian Jonestown Massacre. Monty Python's the Life of Brian also shows a person named Brian being crucified. It's like a giant joke. I had no hope of survival at all, without someone intervening, and I almost died more times than I can count and often because I no longer gave a damn about my own mortality. Sometimes I think I'm invincible. A person shouldn't have a head this blown out of proportion, no matter who you are. It's not healthy even if it can create genius.