recent feelings on school

hi everyone, this is my first blog!! how exciting.

i am pretty boring and ordinary but i'll talk about myself for a while if that's okay with you ^^ (this is going to be HELLA stream of consciousness and pretty long...)

im really fed up with my work ethic right now. i mean, im trying to change bit by bit but i just can't let the habits go. im so lazy and i keep thinking that i can put it off for a day... BUT THEN IT PILES UP... i feel that if i was born maybe 20 years earlier, i wouldn't be so distracted. i hate to admit it because im a teenager but my dad is right, it is because of that damn phone. but it's so convenient! and handy! and my mobile games!!!! so yeah that's the problem. also, i keep making lists for myself but i can't seem to follow them and as i add more and more to my to-do list, i just feel so unmotivated to do it all. another thing, my school year has NO MORE DAY OFFS UNTIL SUMMER. im so doomed!!!! i need that extra day. pronto! if i had just one whole day to do work, i could get so much done!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay about what im doing at school: badminton, study, homework, chat, fall asleep sometimes.

to start, badminton. i love love love badminton and i see myself improve every day i play. however, there are times when i don't feel or see that improvement and im just so noob compared to everyone else. not to mention, im on varsity and there's a ton of pressure to stay up there. THE FRESHMAN ARE BETTER THAN ME. actually, i don't really care and im not jealous or anything, i just like to joke around about that. goal: get gud! try hard! focus!!!!

okay moving onto study. im sorry, i lied, that doesn't actually happen, and i haven't studied in about a month or so. i think studying is hard because there isn't any perfect guide to study out there. honestly i don't even know what it is like... do i just review notes? isn't that a waste of time? OH and i also think (as im writing this) that i should already be knowing the content so like studying is reinforcing into my head that i didn't memorize the material... i need to stop thinking like that because now i know that studying is like practicing and studying is what helps to memorize the material more... idk if that made sense but it's 11 pm. goal: test pomodoro timer and try out ai learning tools

next is homework. UGH. i can't stand it right now. like i mentioned earlier, my to-do list is just piling up up up up UP. i just keep putting it off and there's so much to catch up on and do all at the same time... im also pretty scared of being perceived and im paranoid that my teachers are looking down on me, seeing me as the girl who turns things in late or procrastinates or is really irresponsible. it's not like im going to deny all that but it still hurts to think about... goal: get things done!

CHAT!!! i love my friends! but sometimes they piss me off... or OKAY OKAY im gonna talk about this one girl, i hope no one recognizes her off of my description. she is so touchy-feely. i HATE it. i don't hate her (well, i guess? i don't really think so though) ALSO she told me her love language was physical touch. sorry, but it gets to a point. a tangent about love languages: my main one is quality time!!! i value the time i spend with others because (partly due to my faith) i think the world is going to end soon and i seriously don't want to live/die with regrets. least is physical touch since entering high school; not because of her, but just cuz i realized i was asexual then. anyway back to that girl. bruhhhhh im just cringing cuz she's too affectionate and intimate... like isn't that also playing with others' feelings too???? DOES ANYONE GET ME!!??!?!???! sorry for yelling LOLLLLLLLL ok sorry ima stop talking about that girl. i really don't hate her at all though, it's just that sometimes she makes me uncomfortable. anyway my friends are cool and are extremely funny! i feel kinda guilty that sometimes i see them as a way to gain more friends cuz i feel like they're connected to all sorts of people... DUDE IM SUCH A DOUCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >< okay sorry lemme talk more positive!! they genuinely are funny though, i find myself almost pissing my pants during lunch because of how chaotic they are ^^ i also love my other friends heeee heeee the people at my school are so cool!! goal: be a nicer person to all!

finally, falling asleep. 5 years ago, i never would've seen myself falling asleep in class BUT IT HAPPENED. 3 TIMES. first time was in my film class. the environment was just perfect to sleep in: slightly chilly room, silence apart from ambient noise, warm internal body temperature, darkness..... could you blame me? oh and i was watching the cabinet of dr. caligari. c'mon. who wouldn't sleep through that? sorry don't flame me... my film teacher shook my chair to wake me up LOL it was a bit scary. my second time was in my bio class (most boooooring class btw, shoulda taken physics instead) and a video was being played. once again, the environment was perfect to sleep in. HE ALSO JUST WASN'T LOOKING????? so like there was my chance. then again, i only slept for like 5 mins, i couldn't miss that section of notes. my 3rd (and hopefully last) time sleeping in class was AGAIN film. it wasn't dark but it was nice and cool, my arm felt like a pillow, i didn't wanna do work, and the class was pretty quiet. it was all like white noise to me... haaa... but then my friend next to me (who i find very attractive and interesting and wish to get closer to!!!!!!!! but not in a romantic way, a very platonic way; she'd also be a great asset if she were my friend bc she's kinda popular. WOAH okay i kinda don't mean that but at the same time i think abt that sometimes. ok sorry im a trashy person) woke me up! ultimate betrayal! i think i played it off pretty cool though and the teacher ended up not paying attention (i think) to me sleeping so honestly it was kind of a dub. i think cuz school is just getting busier and homework is piling up so much and so fast that im losing sleep bit by bit. for example, it's 11:30-ish right now and i still have a huge assignment to finish (yes im procrastinating. yes i'll get to it after i finish the post. no im not getting 8 hours of sleep.) FUCK! MY! LIFE!!!! goal: sleep more at night, less in the day!

goodnight everyone, this was fun. i don't really do things like this but im glad that i've found a new outlet to journal (i guess) and just talk about life!!! i don't care if people read this or not because ultimately, this is for me. jk i actually really care about how others feel about me so yk drop a comment if you'd like! and honestly this was super long so i get it if ppl don't read till the very end... it doesn't hurt me at all. like, genuinely. i wouldn't read this either. damn i can't shut up, even my conclusion is getting long... like honestly i'll just cut myself off he-