2024

I wrote this in 2024 with tears in my eyes...

Since Thursday, I've been feeling really bad. Sometimes, without any apparent reason, I start crying, and I realized that I've learned to block my emotions in those moments, which leads me to think that I don't deserve to live. This is something that happened before, in 2021, when I tried to end my life with my dad's gun. And although I thought things had gotten better, I’m feeling the same way again. In 2023, I went through something similar, but I didn't try to do anything at that time. However, last Thursday, I reached the point of trying to jump in front of a train, but I regretted it at the last moment, though I didn't understand why.

Now, the dark thoughts are coming back to my mind, especially at night. I feel misunderstood, and even though I know there are people who care about me, I feel indifferent towards them. I feel like everything they say affects me, even the smallest things. I become very vulnerable and frustrated with any comment, even though I wasn't bothered by such things before. It all feels like guilt that I don't know where it comes from, like I'm not enough for anyone, like my parents would be better off without me. They make me feel like I don't fit in, like I'm not what they expect.

Since Wednesday, my thoughts have taken over every part of my mind. I feel alone in this, and the idea of talking about my feelings scares me. I’m afraid of being judged, afraid of not being understood, which makes me continue repressing what I truly feel. Sometimes I think about distancing myself from people, disappearing until I feel better about myself. At times like this, I don't want to go to class or interact with anyone. I just want to be alone with my thoughts, but I know that's not what I need.

I feel like I can't trust anyone, not even the person I'm supposed to trust. And when I try to talk, the words get stuck in my throat, like I can't express myself. My mom told me that people who commit suicide have mental problems, and that makes me feel even more insecure about telling her how I feel because I don't want her to think I have something "wrong" with me or that I can't handle it. Maybe what I'm going through is just me repressing my emotions, or that's what I want to believe, because if it’s not that, I’m terrified to think that something else is going on.

I know I should talk about how I feel, but I don’t know how. Every time I try, the tears come before I can say what I want to express. All I want is for tomorrow to be a better day, but I don't know if that will happen.

This was written in 2024, but I didn't mention it in the text. I was struggling all through 2024, feeling trapped simply because I was being bullied by older guys. I didn't understand why; people can be very cruel, which is why I avoid any contact with other humans.