the loop

I hate that it’s 55 past midnight. The loop goes from multiple trains to day to just one, in a continuous loop, hitting every stop in the city. I’m lucky I caught the loop at my stop, as I really didn’t feel like waiting two hours for it to come back to my station.

I’ve always been mesmerized by the ride home. I’m at the end of the line, which means I’m here for a few hours. As I sit in my seat by where the door meets the next car, I watch outside as we seep further into darkness.

I thew on my headphones to drown out the night crowd, consisting of the drunks and stoners, college students those on their phones. “When you are not around, I’m slowly drifting away- wave after wave, wave after wave.” I feel a jolt before the train starts rumbling before it stops. The loop usually doesn’t go down, but it is their old carrier from the transition. 

“Uhh, we are experiencing some difficulties on the tracks folks, uhh, please remain seated as the doors are locked until we are at the next station where you can safely disembark”

I look up, and the train car is empty. I swear only a few minutes ago it was packed enough to be warm, yet empty enough that there was enough space between us all. I get up from my seat and start to open the door connecting the cars when I feel the door lock as I pull. 

There is no way in hell I’m trapped on the long loop, on a bridge, above a few dozen brownstones and a highway. Absolutely no way. The lights start dimming until the announcement chime goes off, and which the emergency power flips on before no power at all. No power, no big deal, but I’m still trapped here. 

I sit watching outside as the city seemingly moves on without noticing the stuck train. I realize it’s already half past one, and with the train not moving, and nobody here to fuck up my ride, I fall asleep for a short few minutes before I’m woken by her.

“You stopped reaching out” she said, slyly. “You died” I grunted. “You vanished, drifted away. I kept you in my wallet and my locket.” I don’t know why I dignified a response to her. “You know I didn’t die.” She quipped. “Yet you wanted me to move on? You died to me.” and yet? She had a response “sit with me, and let me tell you this story.”

She was my best friend, close as hell was warm, and knew me inside and out. We were inseparable even though I was the odd friend out for her, but I was the only one she could fully let her guard down for. I don’t trust others  or let them close anymore because I fear them leaving like she did.

“You remember how my mom was. I was living in her footsteps, each day was one step like her.” She said. “I don’t want to be like her, but I couldn’t say no.”

“You could have refused, but you didn’t.” I grunted. “You had choices, you had options, you closed your case over friends that weren’t even real friends, and for what?” I have always held some sort of anger over this, and while her story is not mine to tell, I have kept some parts of it in my heart, buried.

In a blink, she was gone. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet, but I cannot continue to harp over something I’ve processed already.

I hear a latch click, and I walk over to the door connecting the two cars. I’m able to shimmy it open. I look between the two cars and see the city, I’m close to being able to hop out, yet something gives me the urge to stay on, even though I probably could safely leave.

I walk into the next car, and it looks oddly familiar. It’s not a train car, but the lobby of where I live and work. 

The phone is ringing, I go to pick it up and all I hear is dead silence. “Hello? Hello? This is the DR on duty, how may I help you?” I cannot place the name of my university, like something is blocking my mind from recalling that name.

I close my eyes and reopen to a packed lobby, but it’s not residents, it’s lots of tall people, all wearing different clothes in the same colors, maroon and gold. I look to my left and there’s a faceless being, speaking to me about grief

“You know, you don’t have to stay here if this is too much.” It’s not, though, I’m at an odd ease and calmness despite the echoey cries coming down the hall. It’s even more odd because there isn’t a hall they’re down, I know it’s from the office next to me, but there isn’t an office near me, or an exit out of the lobby.

it clicks, slowly, this is like my own personal hell. Before I can wrap my mind around whats going on, I see those tall, maroon and gold faceless figures running out of the building. Only seconds later does everything shift again. I'm able to recognize this one as the first fire. It smells like a campfire" I hear. I remember this one, because I offered to go check seconds before the emergency PA goes off. Oddly enough, it has the train PA chime before making that seering high pitched scream and announcement telling us to get the hell out. I see a red light and the panel starts glowing. This incident was my first, barely after I started working.