The Struggle Is Real

Who all has the winter blues?!? Show of hands? Right, so now, who all already suffered from depression prior to this pandemic? 🖐🏻🖐🏻🖐🏻🖐🏻 According to my half-assed previous physician, I suffer from anxiety and manic bipolar disorder. I happen to think I have borderline personality disorder but honestly, they both suck. I've been struggling to manage my symptoms with literally no medicine because, for the life of me, I can't be bothered to pick up the phone and make the appointment to get a therapist. I've never been to therapy before. I don't know if that's why I haven't done it yet. I have no excuse to be dodging therapy either. I can get my therapy virtually, so I don't even have to leave the house. Has that made a difference? Not in the slightest. It's not that I don't want help, trust me I do. There's just lead in my hands. My arms are steel beams. Every day I tell myself I will make the appointment. Everyday I happen to forget. Sometimes on accident and sometimes on purpose. All I know for sure is that I'm always angry, I'm always tired, and I'm slowly ruining my life because I can't stop. I can't stop being mad. I don't know how to not let every little thing rock my world. I thought about meditating, did it once, haven't done it since. I have started to have suicidal thoughts again. I can't help it. It starts with the self deprecation. Thoughts of worthlessness and failure. Then it goes to suicide. Hating life, not wanting to breathe anymore. Then I force myself to look at pictures of my son so I remember why I need to stay alive. Then I cry myself to sleep, rinse, repeat. Tomorrow I'm going to make the appointment. Tomorrow I'll write again and tell you if I actually did it or not.