Something that is probably something.

GOOD MORNING TO EVERYONE EXCEPT THE LAWS OF PHYSICS. FUCK YOU PHYSICS!

ANYWAYS, TODAY'S WEATHER IS—

"What the fuck are you doing, John?"

AH, LUCA!! JUST IN TIME, BUDDY OL' PAL CHUM PALLY PAL PAL CHUM PAL CHUM PAL PAL!!! (he spins around in a swivel chair that’s clearly broken)

IT'S OUR FIRST DEBUT IN A PLACE CALLED SPACEHEY!!

"Oh. Neat... the fuck is that?"

NO CLUE, BROTHER-IN-CELESTIALITY, BUT I GET TO GIVE THE PEOPLE VIEWING MY PAGE AN ABSOLUTE EPILEPTIC SEIZURE!! THAT'S WHAT MATTERS! TAKE IT AWAY, THE NEWS MANNEQUIN WITH THE DAPPER HAT!

Danke, El John, Destructor de Su Propia Dignidad. For today's headlines:

The moon is suing the sun for harassment.

Fish have unionized against aquariums.

John Doe (YOURS TRULY!) is now legally recognized as a natural disaster in three separate dimensions, possibly even more.

(Cue dramatic newsroom music played on a broken kazoo.)

AND FOR TODAYS SPECIAL GUEST COMMENTARY: LUCA!

"I'm not doing this."

GREAT INPUT, LUCA!!! Always a voice of wisdom!

(John throws invisible confetti. It hits Luca in the face anyway.)

In conclusion:

WELCOME TO THE SHOW, THE POST, THE EVENT OF THE CENTURY, THE GREATEST TRAGEDY SINCE SLICED BREAD WAS INVENTED WITH CRUMBS LEFT BEHIND!!!

Grab a helmet, grab a juice box, and maybe a fire extinguisher. Things are only gonna get worse from here.

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QUESTIONS NOBODY ASKED (BUT I’LL ANSWER ANYWAY):

Q: Who are you?

A: A question philosophers have feared to ask for millennias to come.

Q: What is this blog about?

A: Yes.

Q: Why is there smoke coming from your chair?

A: Freedom🦅.

Q: Is Luca okay?

A: Mentally? No. Physically? Questionable. Spiritually? Also no.

Q: Who is Luca and why is he here?

A: He is a Celestial from the hit novel "Sorrowbound" made by the same guy that has caused my birth! As for why he's here, moral support. Also he keeps lawsuits at a minimum.

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FINAL THOUGHTS:

If you experience nausea, headaches, or sudden urges to eat drywall while reading this blog, that’s perfectly normal and should not be reported to a doctor. Just vibes.

"John, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

EVERYTHING, LUCA. EVERYTHING. AND NOW IT'S ON DISPLAY FOR THE WHOLE INTERNET TO SEE!!!

(Cue John dabbing aggressively offscreen.)

P.S.: If you survived reading this without spontaneous combustion, congratulations. You’re ready for more.

P.S.S: The first one to puke while reading this owes me 5 bucks. Unless you're dracula. Just give that shit back to moon knight.