Gore is more than just shock, I wish more people understood that (TW)

I'm a bit of a weird mix between a hypersensitive softie and an edgy desensitized sicko. I'm not sure how common this is but this is who I am and it'd be nice to talk to anyone else who can relate. If you still find me disgusting after reading this through, that's fine by me and I respect your sensitivities but I'm saying this for anyone who cares to care. Most of my friends are actually strongly against anything too gore-related, but they still really like being around me despite what kind of art I create or content I consume because of how I handle the topic.

To put it simply, I'm desensitized to the gore itself but not desensitized to the emotional weight of it. I'm not appalled by the visuals, textures or sounds, I'm appalled by the inhumanity of putting someone's suffering to laughs. My reaction to seeing real human gore is more sad than disgust or shock.  To put it into perspective, there's a point in life where you've become so traumatized yet still so empathetic that real gore videos make you feel more concerned about how the death of a real person who most likely had a grieving family is being turned into some spectacle rather than the gore itself. When I was a child, I had many experiences that shook me to my core. This one, I never told my family and I don't wanna go into detail but... I came across a corpse once. I, as a child of course didn't know what to do but my friend knew and he immediately did the right thing. Luckily, killer was no genius, he was found quick and the deceased's family received justice. That fact makes me feel slightly better about it all but still...

When it comes to real gore, I see a person, whether that person was good or not in life is another story, but something of such gravity, especially considering their relatives and maybe even children who are innocent no matter how horrible the individual themself may have been, being used as some joke is just... uncomfortable to me. While a logical outcome, I still don't like how socially we consider gore to be this taboo thing, when it's just how we are inside. We walk and live our lives, our inside forms being pretty much the same as the forms' whose photos are thrown around as shock content. Somedays I kinda wish people cried and lamented about who the person might've been in life when they saw gore, not vomited and screamed, but I understand why the reality is the latter so I can't be mad at that.

I don't wanna judge too much or have too strong of an opinion because I don't know how to feel when it comes to fiction based on real events or things like Goregrind cover art made of real gore, as long as you're not actively making it to bully the individual and shove it into the victim's families faces, because at the end of the day, the person's already passed and isn't gonna see it (unless you believe those from the afterlife can access our world) but I still personally consider it a less-favorable practice. In a "Not my problem, but if the victims' family speaks out against you, it's your funeral not mine" type of thing.

Medical gore is an exception for me as (at least in my country) I know the victim in life or their loved ones consented, and I feel much more calm looking at a person's remains knowing "Their okay, their loved ones are okay, everyone accepts this". In that case, the gore of it puts me at ease. Knowing the person in life was a very kind person to donate their remains for research, for the benefit of others who may suffer their ailment in the future. It's so bittersweet to me. A reminder that life is fleeting and even in death, all can be full of love.

Animal gore is a bit of a mix for me. I love eating meat especially poultry and I know I shouldn't be guilty about because it's just human nature to be part of the food chain. But even then, when it comes to animal gore like torture, abuse, or murdering with no intent to eat, best believe it's a knife to my heart. In my country, we have this rule that originated from religion where to slaughter animals for food and hide, the animal must be killed in one stab to the neck. Instant death with minimal or no pain. If the animal doesn't die the first time or screams, it must be buried instead. I think this tradition may have shaped my perception of animal slaughter, but overall, it's murky waters to me. Human gore to me however is more significant and has a more solid opinion from me as I believe it's natural for a species to feel more empathy towards their own.

I'm no prude, I draw a lot of gore art myself and I love shock humor but only when it's fiction-based music or art for this specific reason. Like Fluffy Ponies, or the Milkman animation by David Firth, or music by bands like Jig Ai or Meat Shits. It's fun to me because it helps me cope with art. I can't change what happened to me in the past, why not engage in art therapy to feel better? I don't get off to the fictional gore, but I see it as a tool for expression. Using what is natural but bastardized, to represent what's been hurt or damaged. It's poetic to me. It really helped me a lot, in fact it slowly but surely stopped me from self-harming. But often times, I see a lot of other people who also consume such fiction act really... weird to say the least.

If you watch films on sites like EffedUpMovies, you'll know there's a comment section on the bottom of every film. My favorite movies like Freeze Me (2000), Angel Guts 3: Nami (1979) and Girl Hell (1999) are on that site so I browse there quite regularly. They're so full of emotion and feel relatable to me as I have similar trauma, albeit not as exagerated. But my god, the comments, man. They're just so... I'm sorry but, creepy. They often undermine the emotional qualities of the films. At times, they can feel very proclaiming like "IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS, FUCK OFF" or can just be really out of place like "I love r@ping" or "needs more tits" something like that. I know it's bound to happen on a site full of shocking films to attract a crowd like that but honestly, it feels... sad. Like the directors' and writers' vision and soul just flies right over everyone's heads because it's too shocking. 

Not to mention the times where I've received troll messages of real gore photos intended to get a reaction out of me, it's just a dick move to me and comes off as disrespectful. It's performative, trying hard to seem "tough" but basically just feels forced like you're trying to "get on my level" when this isn't a competition. As in, all you're doing is making me see you as a disrespectful kid who lacks nuance therefore can't differentiate between the gravity of art and reality to the point of desensitization to both. You know you can partition your moral compass right? Not everything is black and white.

I guess the takeaway of all this is that I see too much of the human, and I feel really uncomfortable about how other people often don't see that. I just wish I could find someone who can relate to me on this. I hope I don't seem like some hippy freak for how I feel about this all but it's true. I believe human remains are more than just something to gawk at, they're people and that's what matters to me. I see the soul, not the flesh. Not a lot of people I've seen share this sentiment but I feel like it kinda heightens my empathy in a way.

Let me know what you think of this, I'm curious to hear your thoughts as this is a very grey topic. Again, please don't find me weird for this. I'd like to think with all that's happened to me, I've healed pretty well. I'm actually happily pursuing my studies while working on some music of my own. Art therapy went a long way for me :)

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