Music is my muse.

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4/24/2025

Shadow Of My Aura

  Not sure how to begin this lol. I want to start writing blogs surrounding the topic of music. I'd like to share my favorite songs along with my history with them. Explaining how much they mean to me in depth without being corny lmao. I wouldn't say I gatekeep songs, but I don't always post on my socials with specific artist. I've had people who dislike me save playlist of mine watching my every move making personal things to me feel invaded. I feel comfortable on here knowing they probably wouldn't go as far as to stalking me on here too lol...]

Any who, besides that I want this blog to be the history of some of my music taste along with how therapeutic music has been for me growing up. 

  As a child I'd openly say I was neglected not getting much attention. For the longest time I did everything in hopes for exception by adult figures that I could never please. Every weekend I'd wake up in hopes to make it on time for MTV Vevo music videos. Even with all the chaos around me I found peace dancing and singing along. Me and my siblings forgetting all our problems bonding together. We grew up living with our grandparents basically our whole lives'. Our parents loved each other but also hated each other at the same time. I've forgiven and understood they were teen parents figuring stuff out. But it was overall toxic for them and us (my siblings). Parties became a big problem in my childhood where my mom started to make bad habits. Addiction got to her losing our bond for a couple of years. I didn't get to fully get her back as my mom till I turned 13 the peak of quarantine starting. So, most of my childhood was spent without a mother figure causing deep confusion for me. I found closure in female artist that I felt reminded me of my mother, or some type of feeling of warmth. My dad himself was also in and out of jail/prison making my bond with him "distant" but bearable. He kept in touch with a lot of art and songs he wanted us to give a listen to. A lot of female and male artist remind of my parents brining more comfort. But had also helped build my music taste. 

(Ari & Mac)

   Ariana Grande & Mac Miller where my end game "parents" lol. I spent most of my days streaming videos she posted on YouTube. I vividly remember her house tour and getting her first tattoo, a heart on her middle toe lol. Less to say I did the same myself when I turned 14 knowing my little self always wanted it like her. Her music interest in "Imogen Heap", I found Imogen through her thankfully. The cover she did was so dope. It made me want to make music myself. Seeing how far she has come into her career is so cool to me. Growing up I felt like I had a more tom boy like vibe to me. My dad always called my sister his princess and me his little ninja because I was known for kicking4ss LMAO. Listening to her made me feel girly which I liked a lot. Along with Mac Miller I became familiar with him through my older brother playing his songs. As well as my parents who also liked him and similar artist. When I had seen Mac & Ari " The Way", I was obsessed for days. Had it on repeat 24/7. Cheesing so hard like I knew them personally or something smh lol. No but for real if i got paid for the number of times I watched it, I'd be rich fr fr. :). Overall, throughout the childhood trauma I was going through as a kid they gave me something to look forward to.

(Bruno Mars)

  ONE OF THE BEST MALE ARTISTS! My whole family loves Bruno Mars. "Talking To the Moon" was the biggest hit for us that we'd always sing around the house. I remember we'd gather together just to watch music videos. Specifically, that song so we could all sing along. Whether we were good or not it didn't matter. It came from the soul. He reminds me a lot of my childhood. Always dropping top hits, I found enjoyable. Around 5th-6th grade I was gifted an Mp3 player by my foster parents. (I was placed in foster care 2016-2018). Being gifted this I made sure Bruno Mars was one of the artists downloaded into my MP3 player. I also had Spotify at the time where I streamed him a lot on there as well.  In foster care we weren't allowed any sort of social media. With little access to the tablet, I used for Spotify. My Mp3 player was my "life". It was basically a phone to me.

(The Weeknd)

  During the timeline of being in foster care with my Mp3 player, "The Weeknd" was another male artist I loved. Also, when I say "love" about any of these artists, it's about my deep connection to these artists. Nothing romantic or weird lol. I'm not like that. Any who before being placed in the system. I enjoyed watching his music videos on YouTube through my grandpa's phone. He always let me use his phone for "Musical.ly" and music. But it obviously changed once placed in the system limited access to electronics. Not complaining at all, I was placed in a much safer home connecting with nature and not social media 24/7. It was refreshing I'd say. Just my own thoughts away from social media listening to music. Besides that, I really fw him heavy. One memory I specifically remember driving an hour away from home to my grandmother's job site. It was "take your kid to work day". (this took place before foster care). Road trips I was always given my grandpa's phone to stream music. And of course it being "The Weeknd", STARBOY! I don't why but that song was carved into my brain. Every day I had to play it at least once along with watching the music video. He was always so cool to me but "normal. Not much was needed from him like any another male artist. That play a whole character as something they're not to seem "validated" When the main music is an art form from the soul. Not an ego.

(Skrillex)

  No lie I never really felt "embarrassed" telling people I liked Skrillex... like LOVE this artist. But I do get shy at times speaking on it. Knowing not everyone would just casually play this type of genre on a daily. Music like this was always an all-time favorite by my family. If it weren't for this artist I don't know where my confidence would've come from with dancing. I spent a lot of time getting hype to his songs as if I was in a rave. Along with my family enjoying Skrillex, through a lot of "dance battles". It was our daily thing we did. We would go into my grandpa's Dj room and grab his party lights. Our favorite was the smoke machine it was so cool with all the main lights off as the party lights shine all over. Then of course the loudspeaker. My uncle had a boom base with cd's of tracks that we all loved. Sometimes we fought over who could put the CD in, getting it ready lol. Miss it a lot :/. There was absolutely nothing to be afraid of or embarrassed about. Just a group of people with the same love for music vibing out. From sunup to sundown, opening up the curtains we'd realize we danced till night out not even mad, but happy. For a few months I listened mainly to Skrillex through SoundCloud. Oh, my, I love SoundCloud, any who for every road trip id get all the songs ready in order that I wanted from him. As soon as we pulled out the drive through, I hit play letting my imagination take over. Daydreaming on road trips listening to music was my biggest form of therapy as a kid for me.  Highly grateful for music.

(Melanie Martinez)

   If you had me on Muscial.ly during its era you'd know I spammed my page with Melanie Martinez songs A LOT lol. She was my top artist form 3rd-6th grade. Till this day I listen to her but for sure was an extreme fan during that timeline. I always knew from a young age I was bisexual, her being one of the girls I had interest. In no way to be weird at all romanticizing. But I did think she was attractive. Nothing emotional. I relate to her songs on a deep level with each song she played out as situations others have experienced as well. Living in an environment that caused me to be placed into foster care, I found comfort in her music videos knowing the meaning behind them. Even with how young I was. Listening to her helped me find comfort and closure instead of feeling constant confusion. Mostly with the song "DOLLHOUSE". Knowing my childhood experiences where also relatable to others. That I wasn't alone. Something about me was also "odd" as a child, so being able to sing along her lyrics feeing weird but proud of it was nice. "Mad Hatter" really opened my eyes as a kid understanding myself, not being ashamed of who I was, or what I was struggling with. I tried putting on other friends with her music, but not much where interested. Only one which was pretty cool! As an artist she will always resemble a deep part of me from my childhood that I'll never forget. The first person I ever felt truly excepted by and understood. 

(Lindsey Stirling)

  In 5th grade I had joined an Orchestra band for my school. It went on for a couple of months where we spent learning how to play string instruments. Our three options where the Violin, Viola, and Chello. I personality wanted the viola but ended up getting the violin. Worked out in my favor honestly, because I enjoy the violin and felt it was the best fit for me in the end. Performing for the first time at a college brought me such an unreal feeling. Something not easy to forget, but in a good way. This brought my deep connection to orchestra music and any artist surrounding string instruments. Throughout this passion I found Lindsey Stirling, the only thing I could think of was how bad a44 she was/is playing the violin. She was my biggest influence and inspiration to keep my talent for the violin. After 5th grade there was no longer any orchestras going on in middle school for me to join. I decided to get a private teacher of my own where I went to her house taking lessons. This took place around my 6th grade year. Till this day I have my music books given to me with all my writing and lessons I did. It's nostalgic to look back at. With all honesty my music teacher started to make me feel uncomfortable where I decided to take a break. I was unable to find other teachers close by with me living out in the country. By then I was placed in foster care where my main support was my foster parents. They did everything they could to afford me a violin and private teacher. I'll always be grateful for that. During this time, I had a close best friend who also liked Lindsey Stirling. Talking to her about her songs and covers was dope to me. 

($uicideboy$) 

  New Orleans cousin duo that made the bestttttt songs. Theres a big love hate relationship going on with them right now with certain "fans". First people were saying their music was too dark etc, just because they became recent fans barely tapping into their old hits. But besides that, now some say their music is changing a lot, well specifically $crim and not like how his old songs use to be. When in realist he made a lot of growth for himself that some cant except and respect it. It makes no sense how they complain about their music being too dark but now it's not "the same" without the dark stuff. Likeee make that make sense, you're not a true fan just got influenced by tik tok. Any who done ranting they mean a lot to me. I found them back in 2015 with their "K*11 Yourself lll" came out. My older brother has always been a fan since they came out with drops, which I was able to discover most of their songs through him. True honesty I was always familiar withe but didn't get fully deep into their music until 2018. By then I had own phone where I was able to stream whatever music I wanted. Between 2016-2018 I was a foster kid where I for some reason was under a lot of restriction. As grateful as I was for my foster parents, they always monitored the songs I was listening to on Spotify. I remember listening to $b forgetting to clear my search history. Less to say they overexaggerated and grounded me for a week from listening to music, just because it had cursing and dark lyrics. They were white Christians that for someone projected a lot and kind of felt where racist on the low not yes, they voted trump, embarrassing) Me and my siblings weren't allowed to speak Spanish over the fact that they couldn't understand it. She claimed my sister and I were saying bad things about her when we spoke Spanish. Like why do you feel threatened by two young Hispanic girls? Any who leaving that place May 2018, being able to blast $b without having to turn my neck all the time was dope. A year later I turned 12 when a lot of my suppressed emotions got to me all at once. I failed to regulate my emotions even with being in therapy since 5th grade. $uicideboy$ helped me heavy with everything I was going through. From taking medication to help with mental disorders to and contusing therapy to understand myself. All the times I felt alone from my middle years to highs cool. They helped me face challenges throughout school where I self-isolated a lot. I've also made really cool connections with other G59 fans. My favorite part is making new friends with the same interest. Mostly a duo artist that speak on important topics others can relate to.

Overall, there's so many other artists that I can talk about but that would be way mor typing to do lol. I'll save them for other blogs to not run out of any ideas so soon. I revolve my life around music HEAVY. As corny as it may sound so many people can relate, it's good to find songs that make you feel Ike a main character. It's not always about an ego or being the best with music taste etc. Its abouts what fits for you and connects to your soul. If it can connect to yours imagine, how would it be for a group of people to do the same. All vibing to the same song in one room. Nothing else to care about no materialistic things or opinions. In the present. The same way I opened up about my deep connection with certain artist and songs. I'd hope others can do the same for themselves and/or connecting with others through music. Music is a beautiful thing that can bring connection. - peace out, chol. 

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