I think I give off an offputting vibe when I talk to people sometimes!

Without too much detail, I work at a Ren Faire! It's a very social job. It's a seasonal job so I'm only there for 6 months of the year btw. Think of it as a volunteer job for theater kids that like to walk around while speaking with a terrible English accent while wearing "time period accurate" clothing. That's what I do at my job. It's been a struggle for me to open up and make friends with people at this job because I have such a hard time carrying a conversation at times. And I can tell, usually when I'm rambling in conversations to compensate for my "airheadedness" because I can tell when people lose interest in talking to me. I feel like an airhead at times because I'm a generally unobservant person, which is something I'm trying to work on.

However at this job, I feel like some people kinda just steer clear from me. They don't really say anything to me unless I approach them first! But even so, the conversations are short and dry. Do they know something about me I don't? I feel like everyone around me is just so naturally funny, charming, and charismatic. Some of them have been doing this for DECADES so I get that they've just had more time to develop their skill. Sometimes when I talk, I feel like I'm saying the wrong thing in a conversation and I can feel when the conversation dies. Sometimes I get ignored all together or they just talk over me after I've said my piece. Some times I feel so insignificant and weird I don't even think I'm human. I also talk really fast and I clutter and trip over my words like a baffoon. I don't even know what I'm saying half the time and by the time I do I forgot.

I try to avoid calling myself awkward because it feels limiting and well, it doesn't make me happy. I don't want to confine myself to a box. I have a hard time at starting the initiative when it comes to starting a conversation or meeting new people. It usually depends on the social environment. Like at work or at a party, I do quite fine. But if I'm by myself and I don't know anybody, I clam up and keep to myself or I get quiet.

Any who I got off topic, I'm pretty sure I don't smell. I look a little weird and my facial expressions might be a little off, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I hate to complain about this but I'm tired of asking the people in my life for advice. They tell me the same thing, "Just start the initiative". I'm doing that! But whatever I'm doing ISN'T working and I feel like its pushing people away. Whenever I do start the conversation, my brain goes blank and I have nothing to say. It's a struggle and I need a cigarette and a goddamn lighter.