🛰 .𖥔 ݁ ˖˖Orbiting a day.𖥔 ݁ ˖ (TW: a bit of SH)

04/23/25      

Hellooooo, Cosmic Cittens (yes, I am calling you people that), (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶), sorry this is so late, I had some things I absolutely had to take care of. How was everyone's day unfolding? Mine was pretty boring :’), honestly just a lot of quiet moments. But nothing truly bad happened, I mean….kinda, there were a few little things, but we’ll get into that a bit later.

How the past few days were, and updates:

The past few days have honestly felt like navigating a really unpredictable emotional rollercoaster. My nana had a fall off her roof, which has been quite worrying for everyone. On top of that, my mom has been yelling at me what feels like every three seconds, and it's starting to feel like everyone I know is gradually getting bored of my presence. My friends, my boyfriend, everyone just seems way more distant than usual, and I can't shake this persistent feeling that I'm somehow doing everything wrong in my interactions. My writing, the band/group I've been dreaming of starting, and my other hobbies and creative projects have all been feeling more like a tedious chore for some reason lately. I've genuinely tried to take a step back and rest. I've also tried pushing through, hoping the spark would reignite, but nothing seems to be working; nothing is bringing that sense of fun and excitement anymore. But I really don't want this to turn into a complete vent session because I don't want to bum anyone out, so let's move onnnnn to some more forward-looking thoughts. I think I'm finally going to start actively looking for people to join my band, but the idea of rejection honestly makes me quite scared :’). I have a few people on here that I've noticed who have already talked to me about also wanting to start making music, or they have it mentioned in their bio and stuff, so they seem like potential fits. But what if they say noooo? What if I'm asking for way too much, and my expectations are unrealistic? Plus, the practical side of things is that I don't even have a microphone or any basic equipment yet. It feels a bit like I'm starting something I have absolutely nothing tangible for, but I soooo desperately want to do it; I don't want this to be yet another passion project that I just let drift away in the wind without even trying. I also really want to ask some of my friends I used to go to school with, but like I said, I'm super scaredddd, and I genuinely don't want to bother them if they're busy with their own lives. They're always nice to me and everything, but it's like there's this invisible barrier, and I'm too scared to truly be myself and openly share what I genuinely like because they all seem so perfect to me, and I'm terrified of losing people I care about just because they might think I'm a bit of a freak. Anywayyyy, throughout the day today, I mostly just fed some of our animals, did a bit of work fixing up the lawn, I went fishing hoping to catch some dinnerrrrr (fingers crossed!), and I also got some wonderfully ripe strawberries from my great uncle's farm with the delicious intention of making a strawberry pieeee.

Personal News (Content Warning: Self-Harm):

After successfully navigating two months of being free from self-harm, I sadly did it again :’). I honestly don't fully understand why; I genuinely don't like the physical pain, and I really hate the sight of blood, so I guess in some twisted way, my mind associates it with punishment. I know I explicitly said I didn't want this to devolve into a vent, but I also feel a strong need to be completely clear and transparent with you all, you know? To make sure I don't always come across as perpetually happy, because that's simply not a realistic portrayal of anyone's life. With that being said, I strongly suspect that I started engaging in it again because of some really intense feelings of self-hate that have been bubbling up, and also because of the negative interactions and feeling unloved by my family :(. It often feels like everyone consistently ignores me or dismisses what I'm saying whenever I try to talk about something I'm genuinely interested in. My mom has been yelling at me quite frequently, my dad has said some incredibly hurtful things, even saying he hates me and that I'm not truly his because I'm too white or pale-skinned, and my sister has even told me to kill myself. Considering I've dropped out of school, I'm currently in their company 24/7, and that constant exposure is undoubtedly making things significantly worse for my mental well-being. That's a major reason why I'm actively trying to get a job, so I can have some much-needed time and space away from my home environment (my dad doesn't actually live in the same house, by the way; I just thought I should clarify that). I'm particularly focused on trying to get a job at this local Mexican grocery store near my house. Mainly because I already shop there quite often, and they seem to be one of the few places around that might be willing to hire someone who is only 15 years old. Later on, I will definitely add more to this blog, and in the future, if anyone has any helpful tips or specific topics they'd be interested in knowing more about, please don't hesitate to hmu. It could be about absolutely anything, like art, writing, anything really – I genuinely consider myself an open book. also sorry if this is bad or messy I'm rushing cuz I have more chores :')

Anyway, I hope you amazing people have a wonderful day/night!