4/22

i've journaled off and on but i really want to write about my day consistently!! so i'm starting now !

today i had my second tattoo removal session, but i was LATE. it was okay though i rescheduled for an hour an a half later. in the mean time i got super fancy breakfast for $7!!! it was so good, the yoghurt was like whipped cream. i was late because i'm fucking lazy. i left home late, would've gotten there too late on the T. so i had to call a lyft, the guy was super nice but that traffic was HORRID i love the boston marathon but god damn. if you can run 26.2 miles why can't you walk with some purpose!!!!!! or at the very least not stand still in the middle of everything. anyway. laser remover hurt like a bitch, but it was over quick because i didn't do the full tattoo (some had already faded enough). pissed my off though because if i hadn't done all of the tattoo in the first place it would't have been so damn expensive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RIP to my money. AND TO CLARIFY: the reason i'm removing/lightening my tattoo is not because i made a stupid adult decision as soon as i turned 18. my tattoo artist was literally drunk and fucked up the tattoo bad. yes, i should have said something. but in the moment i was anxious and am bad at being assertive/tend to just agree with everything. bruh.  when he showed me the design i thought it looked good! but on my skin it looks weird, and he fucked it up. because he was drunk. no hate to drunk people! drunk people are so fun. issue is that a drunk tattoo artist can't draw straight, uniform lines. so yes i regret it. but not in the stupid teenagers getting stupid shit tattooed way. at this point half of my waking hours are spent regretting. i'll make a list of the things i regret doing later. the speed in which i am acquiring new regrets is regrettable. it's also super unfortunate that i inherited the alcoholic gene. so far, adulthood just feels like working to make up for the money you spent. i mean thank god i've worked a bunch of jobs and saved money from them or this would put me in debt BAD. but when i work i don't feel like i'm actually making money, i feel like i'm making BACK the money i spent stupidly. like at the bookstore i work at i get 19 an hour. but every hour all i think is how many fcking hours i still have to work to pay off that god damn tattooooooooo. this is so stressful i just know a mortgage would fuck me UP.

anyway. then i picked up my bike from the shop it was getting repaired at and rode it back home! realized too late though that was a bad idea, because you're not supposed to do any exercise 48 hours after tattoo removal. i got home just in time for my psychiatry appointment, but i was locked out so i had to do the call outside on my phone.

oh and the shit i ordered from shop miss a came yesterday so i unpackaged it. i've caught the shopping bug and it's uglllyyyy because i do NOT need any of that stuff. because what do you mean i chose to buy a refillable perfume bottle when i don't even wear perfume. whyyyyy did i buy 2 MORE black eyeliner pencils when i already have a ton. and i bought an eyeshadow pallet!!!! i don't wear eyeshadow!!! i feel like miss a gives me the "cosco effect". idk if that's an actual thing, but basically everything is so cheap on that website it's making me spend more than i would have.

i watched the boy and the heron while eating dinner!!! i watched it when it came out in theaters with my friend, so good. this time i actually got to more deeply understand everything though which was nice. oh and i'm working tmr. 7 hours of working off that god damn tattoo removal 3-pack. i want huge arm muscles. sometimes i forget i was literally a competitive rock climber for 6 years???? i couldn't do any of that athlete stuff now but i still critique people's form for climbing and calisthenics. call me a hypocrite or smth i don't careeeeee just know i was 14 outperforming all of y'all. hanging on to that former glory tight because i can only do 1 pushup now. in 2020 i could do 34 pushups in a row, quickly, with perfect form and then follow those immediately with 19 pull ups. talk about money wasted.... 6 years and for what. it does actually make me sad to think about though. like i was intensely training for 6 years as a competitive athlete just for covid to reck everything when i was at my best. idk if talking about this annoys people but i don't care. pleaasseee i need just a little bit of being super good at something to reminisce about. i'm so tired of having horrible spelling and having to google the word to get it spelled right and then paste it in. what REALLY pisses me off is when i'm writing in google docs and spell a word wrong so i get that ugly little red underline, but google docs doesn't know what word i'm trying to say. so i copy and paste my incorrectly-spelled word into google chrome and it fixes the word right away. if GOOGLE chrome can, why can't GOOGLE docs????????????????? if it's the same damn system, why can't docs fix my spelling too. 

i just tried to list out my regrets it was too stressful and not PG enough. it does get very overwhelming to constantly be thinking about what i could have done to make things turn out differently/not do something and how much better that would make my life right now. it does literally consume me at times and i perseverate way too much. perseverate is one of my favorite words. it haunts me though. spooky. my favorite word of all time is conjunctivitis. i fucking love that word. i use it everywhere. whenever i get the chance. my friend got conjunctivitis (pink eye) and i was the first one she told, even though we live in different states. i've never felt so loved. i also don't know any of the content rules for this site. also can i curse??? i'll try not to but my sentences just aren't the same without their seasoning :(. SPEAKING OF SEASONING!!!! this is a great time to bring up gordon. gordon ramsay is my favorite celebrity. my true king, my ride or die. i've feeling fairly uninspired right now, so i'm not doing a good job of putting into words what he means to me. point is though that he seasons his sentences AND his food! unfortunately, i come from the kind of white family where salt is the only seasoning. wow this means something i just haven't figured it out yet. i'll think about it later. i just checked the clock. it's 12:10am. i have to get up early for work tomorrow. sometimes it feels like my brain is a computer with too many tabs and windows open, so it's running very slow and glitches a lot. but FOR REAL what if i hadn't DONE THAT!!!! this is eating me alive i need to pass out. whoever said writing helped you feel better lied because i feel worse. in other news i've decided to become a blogger!!!! i've had journals intermittently but always end up forgetting. butttttt this website is so cute it motivates me. i talk to myself every single day it's only natural i add the internet in yk. plus i can't write super fast so i lose my thoughts before i get the chance to write them down. now THAT is heartbreaking. i've lost so many good thoughts that way. i'm gonna take my meds and go to beddddd. OH RIGHT BIG NEWS!!!!!!!!!! re-my psychiatry appointment: i'll be completely off my adhd med that doesn't do shit for me by saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my new psychiatrist is finally letting me try a stimulant. it better work or i'm suing. big day for other comorbid adhd&bipolar sufferers. shoutout to lithium, lamictal, and of course beyonce for making this possible. i will monitor my mood very carefully though once i start the stimulant. i have too much on the line rn for a manic episode to fuck it up. always grateful though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in an atheist way (i like to clarify). i keep meaning to use reddit. i saved posts about this that i've been meaning to read for months. before i fully understand what reddit was i held incorrect opinions. but now i fully acknowledge the error of my ways. maybe i'm being dramatic, but reddit is actually such an amazing recourse if used well. this is embarrassing I'm not articulating anything well today. and i still have a full to-do list. if i had a trust fund i'd be unstoppable. i guess anyone could say the same but i truly believe i'd spend every penny well. i know this may be hard to believe because i did by useless stuff online just recently, but that was only because it was super cheap and cheap = irresistible in my eyes.

i'm going to bed!!! tomorrow i'll use my new shampoo and conditioner for the second time. if they make my hair super dry again i will cry on the spot. to think about later: the parallels between 2016 and 2025.

edit at 1:58am: never touching the mobile app again. that thing fucked up all my code, i just spent over an hour fixing it. would not recommend.