Change

Hello. I am on here simply because I need to write this all out... I need to get it out without actually doing it... and I am worried that I won't do it right or it won't be perfect but I have to realize that it's okay.

So. I am a soon to be college graduate and I am experiencing so much change in my life right now. I am going through a breakup and having to deal with leaving my life I have created in college and I am terrified. I don't even know what triggered me to be upset right now. I just randomly felt this feeling that I needed to cry and I just couldn't breath also... So i felt like typing and acting like it's to someone that would help. If anyone sees this, please feel free to comment or if anyone wants to talk, etc. 

Anyway... so I was in a relationship with someone for two years and we recently broke up. I never ever thought that would happen. But, its weird because I always knew he wasn't the one. I just did. But i never thought I was strong enough to leave the relationship. It's a weird feeling being with someone every day for years and then just like that... It's almost like im greiving him but I feel like i shouldn't because of how he treated me... he was a narcissist (at least I think). The highs were so high but the lows.... too low. I truly thought I would die without him. But I wasn't myself anymore with him... I became bitter and unhappy. I would make excuses for his actions and pay no attention to what was really in front of my face... that he simply was not for me. And I thought I would be dying without him, but i'm not? I have maintained no contact, found myself really not caring; but it's times like this that I get upset. But I know it won't last long? This is a very challenging thing for me to put into words...

In a couple weeks I have to pack everything up and move away from everyone and everything i have known for the past 4 1/2 years. I don't know what that will look or feel like and that is the scariest thing for me. I almost feel stupid for feeling that way because everyone has to go through this, if they went to college. At the same time though, I am excited for change. I need to refresh and move onto bigger things. Having to move back into my childhood bedroom is going to be difficult. I sound like a spoiled brat honestly. But hey I am human and I am allowed to feel these emotions. 

I guess i am just confused.. everything around me is moving so fast and changing so rapidly and I am stressed out. What job will I have, what will i be doing in 5 years, will i ever be back with him? I hate that I cannot answer these questions for myself. However, I often think about how I was terrified to move into my college dorm and what life would look like for me the next 5 years, and here I am now, and I was just fine. I found the best friends, experienced so many things, created the best memories... I know I will be fine. I think I am more upset that I have to leave this life than I am about my breakup. 

I think that is all for now.