religion

hi, i just like to say that if you find religion topics sensitive, skip this one out.

i have so much different feelings about religion and i really want to see if anybody relates to them. so ive been raised catholic and my parents are in something called neocatechumenate. its like a relgious community or a program. some people call it a cult tho lol. anyways i always had great appreciation for christian lore, music, art etc. Ive always been going to church and i still do. But i had doubts since i started thinking it through more and more, probably since i was maybe 14. But i never quit. I guess the doubts werent strong enough. but now i feel like im doing it all only because i would fell bad if i didnt and because im so used to it. but i dont really believe. moreover, im in non-heteronormative relationship. none of my friends are believers. Plus, as a project in my university im doing interviews with young people who still are or who left religious communities and its eye-opening. I see how religious people act on the internet and its so bad bro. i just feel so like disillusioned, but i dont want to throw it all away. its such a big part of me. i still enjoy art, music, imagery, lore and all that and i still really like the act of praying, but i feel like its not enough to be called a believer. if i stop calling myself a christian, would i stop praying? if not, who would i pray and be thankful to?

I still worry about particular things that are considered sinful, knowing that i will have to confess them. i consider myself asexual but i ofter wonder if its not just because of how the whole doctrine influenced my view of sex. I dont even use curse words (in my native language, in english it doesnt seem as severe lmaooo)

for easter i went with my parents to the Paschal Mystery held by the neocatechumenate. its like a 6hr mass on the night between Holy Saturday and Easter. and honestly i was enjoying myself. but i also felt like an impostor.

I've looked into stuff like catholic guilt, but there are still things i genuinely like about catholic doctrine. But there are also a lot of things, especially said and done by the church that i dont agree with.

I honestly think my indecision and reluctantness to forsake the religion is in some way due to my personality. i hate changing the routine, i dont like changes in general, as you never exactly know what will the change bring.And I really dont like breaking the rules set for me, i feel really uncomfortable with it. i guess this is still one piece of my parents' conservatism that is left in me lol.

I remember on one sermon the priest said 'you either believe or you dont. you cant believe a little'. and i guess he was right in some sense but damn dude if it was only that easy.

i know that other people may find it easier to just stop going to church, like my brother who did just that, but idk, i can imagine that its such a non-problem for others that i feel embarassed writing this. but i guess i just wanted to air it out, maybe someone relates