The Monster // The Chaser

when most people use the word "chaser" in any socio-romantic way, the connotation is usually that they're describing people or a person who fetishizes a particular group of others. that's not the way i mean it.

you've seen my big painting or, well, if you haven't, click here. i think it's title, when asked, is "monstrous depiction of self." i've talked a lot about feeling like or being a monster, myself, and no, this isn't something that only stemmed from how people have been treating me lately. this is old.

one of my earliest childhood memories, from elementary school, is not of one moment, but of a recurring game; it was like tag, but i was always It. the only other players were these two girls. i remember one of their faces, all this time later, and neither of their names. i would run after them, and i was the slowest, so i could never really catch them, but i was also more cunning & ambitious, willing to run around or even through buildings while they stayed outside, so with my many shortcuts, i was always nearly there. i was always It, and i was always nearly, nearly there.

another memory from around elementary was when i went on a vacation with a couple friends, and i met these two boys. i wrote them into a story once, so they were very memorable then, fun & funny & cute & charming & defiant, but i don't remember them now. these two boys were cousins of one of my friends, i think, the one that was hosting us all at their...other house? it was up north. wine country. there was this little "forest" of trees - olive? - around the place. and we took advantage of these trees to play a competitive kind of hide 'n' seek that also had elements of tag; it was another game where i ran after people like prey - that's how it felt, as i was clearly less disabled and i also happened to be a werewolf kid, it felt powerful, i miss it - except i wasn't the only one doing it. me, and the "other" girls (i...am not a girl), and the other boys, we took turns. it was exhilarating.

that was a lot of games, most games, i played as a child.

i was either running away from, or running after.

i was either being chased, or chasing.

i don't know what this says about me. maybe nothing. maybe this is all children, or maybe it was simply me as a child in any case, and i don't need to spend more thought on this. but i do anyway, because i guess it still feels like how it did. but so much more exhausting. i no longer think of people as prey, but they still run away from me, leave in the middle of sentences, plans, even though i'm not trying to be a scary monster anymore, all i want is a friend. 'doesn't matter, though, i guess my intentions don't matter, if my hands reaching out still look like outstretching claws. but i don't know why they do. i don't know what i do, that causes this. it appears, though, that whatever i do, this follows me. after all, i was always better at being It.