BIGGEST POINT IN MY TEENAGE YEARS - UPDATE FROM "GOD WOW!"

So,turns out,I didn't even cut her,I just watched her cut herself to 3S' by mindless self indulgence,what a sight...She wanted to cut me but I told her I'm a pussy (and I was being honest) and she said she didn't mind but if I cut her,she has to cut me.Fair deal I guess..

I don't want to do this,we were going to try drugs but I don't want this,my mental health is already bad and I don't want her to drag me into it.I even told her this before and she said it's fine and you don't have to if you don't want to,but I already feel like I've made a deal,she will understand though,she always does.I also confessed my love,I don't know how to kiss but I told her if I could,I would kiss her,she said so would I!Now watching a loved one cutting themselves to the "bean layer" is sad.It's fine though,I'm just distracting myself into thinking I'm not traumatised and I blasted bitches,slim & vanity (all by msi!) right after,just to distract myself and her,of course!She is my "secret girlfriend" now.Do I even love her?I do but I don't,or this is my ocd doubting it all!Oh god save me...