2 i want to sleep

I need to vent. Adding onto the love thing,,,, I fucken hate having autism I wish I didn't have it, I've never thought about it before now and I got diagnosed like 3 or 4 years ago. It makes me hate myself snd I don't know how to talk to people because I think of myself as I pretty nice person but I don't know anymore I feel like I'm jist a bumb and that I'll never get anywhere in life, I've liked this dude for like 3 years and never done anything about it clz I'm to pussy and I've never liked the idea of actually dating him I hate clingy relationship but I love the idea of dating him. I feel like a fucken mess and I don't know what to even think of myself anymkre. Sometimes I think I look like a hoe but I act like a kid and I knkw I am still just a kid but like I can't sleep without toys for fucks sake. I also feel like I can be a cunt to my friends without meaning to but that can be so hypercritical and it passes me off.

I feel like I need knew friends but I can't talk to people and I don't think people approach me because I look like a mean cunt. I hate it  I hate feeling like I need to look mean and I want to cry all the time. I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm older and I don't even see myself grown up. I thought I got better and I was better for years but I'm back and I just want to sleep.