4/22

  holy shit. i didn't know that there was actually a way out of this hell. i could get emancipated, and i'll have jesse and her mom to support me. she's actually going to help me. i could get out. i'm so scared that if it doesn't work and i have to stay with my mom for longer, the consequences for even trying to in the first place will be painful. i'm hoping SO hard that this will work. that this one thing will go right for me. i told jesse that i feel scared, and she said "because it IS scary!"

  but i feel like crying, like screaming, like throwing up and running away and breaking things, and most of all, scared. i don't know what to do. well, i know what i wish i could do, which is be little again. i want to be 3 years old again, when my mother still loved me. there's a part of that little kid in me that is so hurt by the way my mom makes me feel. that little kid just wants to sit in mommy's lap and let her play with my hair and to feel loved. it hurts because i don't hate my mom, she makes me hate myself.