21st April 2025

Dear reader,

My adolescence has been all sorts of fucked. Now I’m nearing eighteen and everybody miraculously expects me to have all of my shit together, and I feel so behind my peers. The councillor I spoke to before at college said that I shouldn’t compare myself to others, as we are all on our own individual paths with differentiating factors in life, but sometimes it gets really hard not to compare myself to others when they seem so much more adjusted than me. They carry themselves with confidence that I could never have, they can hold down a job, they can balance between a turbulent life and grades, they can drive, they can afford driving lessons and a car to begin with. I could rant on about this but I truly don’t want or mean to sound self piteous, I know that my self-worth isn’t defined by such things, but I feel so far behind.

Your teenage years are about finding out who you are through learning lessons, tricky decisions while navigating newfound social situations & dynamics. the issue is that i have instability in all of these departments, i don’t have have a sense of self to find. I am not a person — hence the alias Spectre — but I am parts of a person, I am less than a whole person, It’s impossible to articulate without oversharing. Navigating social situations at college is hard when I am talking with people who I have zero recollection of befriending, but that’s the least of my problems with this. I have always been like this, I don’t know if I will ever have a sense of self. Additionally, I’ve only actually felt a true interpersonal friendship within the past year, as a result I feel as if I have missed out on a lot of experiences I could have had in my teenaged years.

I had a friend-group, sure, from the age of 14-16, but I’m unsure if I’d even consider them ex friends, the way they acted wasn’t exactly friendly. They were sour people who would talk badly of others and each other behind their backs, and of course that was a breeding ground for drama and resentment to build up. My biggest regret is staying silent, I think in that way I may have contributed to the toxicity, but I felt as if knowing them, I couldn’t speak my truth without jeopardising our “friendship.” and looking back on it, I don’t know why I feared that because I never felt a true connection to them anyways. I’ve sworn to myself that I would never settle for deadweight to prevent being alone again, in fact I think I’ve learnt not to fear being alone like I used to, and I think that’s it’s own strength in a way. The moment that I truly gave up on them was when I found out through one of them (who undoubtedly participated in this as well) that they had been talking maliciously behind my back, dissecting all the imperfections in my appearance and what I could do to be “Prettier.” and I think that sums them up as people.

What did I do? Of course I cried a little, that hurt because these people fit all the standards that I don’t, but I quickly dried my eyes and realised that the people I want to attract in my life aren’t those who solely care about what meets the eye, rather than looking within to somebody’s character and personality. Growing up, I have always been considered “Ugly.” and I guess to societal standards it’s true. I’m overweight, I have stained teeth, uncut hair, I wear a bare face, thin lips, a deviated septum, blah blah fucking blah, who cares? Why would I want to waste time catering to nonsensical standards that don’t even stay consistent, they are always changing. Of course sometimes I get self conscious, but don’t most people? People who only care about looks are just shallow and conceited to me. To me, you could fit every standard, but if your personality is awful then you are repulsive in my eyes.

I’ve moved on, I started college but other than my best friend and friends I see at college, I’ve mostly stayed secluded. It is wholeheartedly voluntary, I find that most people expect me to appease to the expectations enforced in my small and rural town, I don’t want to sound pretentious but many people around me seem to be lacking in individuality, and that is what attracts me to a person. I like somebody who knows their values and sticks to them, somebody who is on their own wavelength rather than fitting into categories. 

I haven’t had much of an average teen experience. I’ve had one romance who turned out to be a massive pathological liar with an insane track record, and that piece of shit was my first everything, I don’t really count him as I essentially never knew him, but it’s really fucked with my perspective on interpersonal relationships and trust. Most of my “connections.” during my teenage years have been superficial one way or another, and as a result I feel as if I am still waiting for my life to start. 

Before I said I had a sense of direction onwards, but that was false. It feels as if everybody around me has an idea of what they’re doing, but I haven’t even got the slightest clue who I am, and what memories & feelings reside in these different parts of me that make up of one figment of a person. Will I ever feel whole? I don’t even have control over the decisions I make or where those will lead me, this lack of autonomy and lack of self is so burdening and deeply rooted, I hope for it to subside and stop ruining my life.