Hatred

is it just me, or are those sad tiktoks about moms hitting too close lately?

the ones where people talk about having this weird mix of rage and love like they hate their mom but still appreciate her?
i relate to that... but not the love part.
and yeah, i know it sounds wrong or disrespectful,
but i don’t love her.
i truly hate her.

not just as a mother, but as a person.
as a human being.
it's the way she carries herself, the way she shaped her children.
the control, the judgment, the pain she spits out like it’s casual.
and i'm supposed to put up with it 
smile through it.
but it's suffocating.

her comments are always so painful.
i can confirm she's my biggest hater.

she says she loves me, but she doesn't like me.

i'm the top of her mountain something she knows she can't fully control,

and that's why she resents me.

i'm too close to slipping out of her grasp.

i've been doing fine lately.

but these past few days, i've felt too much

like i can't even explain what's going on in my head.

everything feels off.
heavy.
and honestly, i feel disgusting.
disturbed.

she wants me to be religious   
but i want to get out so bad.
i want to breathe without being judged for every single thing.
i want to try things.
to fail, to learn, to figure myself out.
but i can't, because i’m so limited.
so trapped.

it's like i'm living someone else's life.

someone who is in hell 
and now i’m just here, paying the price.

i don't even know if this makes sense.
i'm sorry if i'm oversharing.

it's just been a hot minute,

and it's all spilling out.