Quiet BPD and being neurodivergent never ending loneliness (My Experience) - Vicky

I remember growing up I was always different from everyone else, I was diagnosed with autism when I was really young (which I still very much agree that I do have autism) I didn't have the best household and I remember having the most weirdest friendships. Like I'm not even exaggerating one of my friends would try making me eat dirt/mud off the ground.

I remember being very energetic and I would stim ALOT, and even teachers would make fun of me. So not only did I not have a good home life but school wasn't really an escape for me either.I think one of the red flags I definitely noticed when I recall that it could've been my bpd developing when I was younger was that I literally would get so obsessed with people to the point where it made them uncomfortable and looking back I feel really bad tbh!! Like I thought that was normal. And I also would start mirroring them but not to much to the point where it was noticeable (atleast to me).

I feel like movies have really normalized this "perfect" aspect of when you're in love everything's perfect and nothing can go wrong ever again. But I'm also very guilty believing the fact that it could save me, I have really bad abandonment issues and I'm going through a really tough time right now. Whenever I lose someone/I'm not in love with someone it literally feels like I'm having withdrawals and its so annoying. I completely forget who I even am. I lost my fp (kind of) because one of my friends is dating him.. and decided to just not say anything. Doesn't help my trust issues in any way.

I lashed out and I do feel bad for what I said, I apologized to both of them but I also noticed I still had extreme people pleasing behaviors in my apology. I didn't say what I actually felt because I was afraid of abandonment. I just feel selfish for loving people like I do, but it's not like I ask to be this way. I'm just really sad because he really was one of my first actual friends, I never had anyone over besides him and it just sucks. My life isn't a mess without him after one month but I still feel awful, because not only will he never feel the same way but I lost him, and my friend betrayed me. I really don't have that many people in my life so I'm alone all over again.

It also doesn't help that I have PMDD episodes and ADHD aswell, it constantly feels like I'm walking on hot coals in every minor inconvenience  in a relationship because the moment I do something slightly wrong or they do I will cut them off completely or I will feel like the world is ending. Everytime someone asks if "they can talk with me about something" it makes me go into flight or fight mode. I have really bad hypersensitivity to cramps or anything so it makes me really sick too 😭😭

So I've had alot of social isolation behaviors, not only because of my audhd but the fact that I know once people get to know the ptsd and bpd side of me they won't love me anymore. So I tend to push them away. And I really hate doing it.As much as I do want connections with others and to have healthy relationships, I'm to worried I won't be accepted or I will be taken advantage of, I was stuck in alot of abusive relationships because I'd go back to them on impulse. Sometimes I don't even know if people are actually mistreating me because of my delusions/paranoia so I think I'm just being dumb.

I've impulsively overshared with others about my life which gives people the wrong idea, I just want people to understand me. I've been writing, drawing, playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure, cleaning my room, and generally taking care of myself. But still I am sad. I'm devastated all of the time. I truly do feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life even though I'm trying my best to put myself out there, I'm just worried people will see me the way I see myself.

I feel like I always put so much effort into the wrong people without realizing, and that pisses me off. I can never tell if I'm doing the right thing. I don't know if I'm a good person. I thought that maybe my bpd would get better on its own but it's just not true, I feel so hopeless.I really do want to be with someone and have friends but I always feel like I need to fix myself for everyone, when they don't even care about improving themselves.

I am trying to sell commissions and stickers/buttons of my art when I graduate but Idk how it will exactly go, I'm still very young and I know my life probably won't be like this forever but it really does feel like it. I feel so stuck and every emotion just consumes me completely. Or I feel nothing at all. Whenever I'm "happy" it feels like a distraction of me just feeling sad or empty.

But Idk, things will get better if I believe it will I guess. I'm just tired of saying that when it seems to never get better no matter what I do. I'm constantly stressed out or mad for no reason :( it just sucks. I don't think therapy is helping me the way it should and there's not alot of options from where I live. I just wish I was understood and loved by people. I want to start taking meds maybe but I'm worried the side effects will just make everything worse.

I'm now 18, I've had symptoms of bpd since I was about 14ish?? But yeah. We weren't sure if that's what it exactly was at the time since I was really young. There is obviously more I've dealt with but it's a bit sensitive to all put on here.