Confessions of a Jamaican Gay Guy #1

Introduction

Who am I? That is a question I have been asking myself lately. Throughout the years I have morphed with the times, and my environment, becoming a product of whatever is trendy at the moment, and whatever is getting the most attention. I've been on the internet since the age of 5, as I got my first laptop and much later, got access to a modem. I didn't have much friends when I was transitioning from being a kid to teenhood, so the internet was my safe space, my sanctuary, my domain where I would entertain myself for hours watching Minecraft videos and popular youtubers like Shane Dawson. I loved the internet, and the internet loved me back, so much that I grew so dependent on it that I neglected my life outside of it. The internet fueled my fantasies, showing me unattainable hot guys, fashionable clothing, and fairytale lifestyles, which in return kept me more and more inside my head. This made my real life look like shit, which caused me to become an outcast, a loser, someone who was constantly in their head and never actually living the life they wanted, just imagining it then not acting on it whatsoever. I was a vulnerable teenager, going to an all boys school that gave me nothing but terrible experiences and bad friendships, and having to deal with a dysfunctional household, all with little to no support. This made me overly emotional, depressed and cowardly, which made my situation even worse.

As I grew older, I decided to leave that life all behind me, leaving my highschool a year early to move on the greater pastures. I started a program that not only gave me a source of income, but also gave me the freedom I needed to give myself a fresh start, and with that fresh start came many friends and amazing experiences. I was a able to shed the skin of my past, and transform into a better version of myself. I started getting into fashion, which led me to start a fashion club, I went to parties and dressed up, worked out and started caring a lot about my appearance and my future. I made amazing friends, some terrible enemies, and even some lackluster lovers, but all of it was worth it for the plot. At the end of the day I'm a happier person, who went from crying to "What Now" by Rihanna every, to dancing to "Alter Ego" by Doechii at a gay event with friends. I started the process of living life the way I wanted to, regardless of what people think, because at the end of the day it is my life, and I die alone. Now that I'm turning 20 next month, I look back at that time before I left highschool as me giving myself the life I wanted in my head, because I didn't know I life like that could exist in real life. 

Why start this blog? I just finished watching Sex and the City, and I fell so in love with the character Carrie Bradshaw, as she was so much like me in the way she acts and how she makes decisions. I've always loved telling stories about my experiences in life and what I have learned from them to my friends and people I like, but I also hate oversharing as I don't like when people know my business, but once I start talking is like I can't stop. I decided that instead of airing out my business to people I know all the time, why don't I just air it out to random strangers on the internet, it's not like these people know me in real life, so hell yeah. This is also a way for me to have a vault to store all my past experiences so if I forget a detail or even the whole story, I am able to go back and read this to see exactly what happened. I don't know if I will keep doing these blog posts on here, but I will try to keep being active, even if there is no one reading.

xoxo, Kam