21/04/2025

Tw suicide, pain, depression??? Idk really I'm sorry for being mess.

Sometimes it's very hard for me to exist. I get tired of my own body, of my own brain. Depression is killing me.

The way I look at it, I'm on pills for life. I don't take them for a week because-- I forget. And my condition goes nowhere.

Now I'm lying alone. With a huge weight on my mind. With a big lump of panic around my neck. A prickly lump in my throat. I want to cry, but my body can't afford it. 

To cry is to be weak. And pathetic. I don't want to be pathetic. 

I love someone. She's far away from me, but that doesn't stop me from loving her. I don't think she'll ever love me back because I'm nothing. She knows how I feel. She feels sorry for me, she says it's a pity she can't reciprocate, and it's better that I don't feel that way.... She's afraid she'll bring me the pain she once brought her. 

But her existence is literally the only thing that saves me and gives me hope. No really, I really want to just go out the window, but I think she would be sad, so I make do with just tantrums and panic attacks. 

I want to be a great artist. I want to be famous. But because of my condition, I can't even paint for long. 

I have a diploma to paint. Doing for college... But I don't have the strength. 

I don't know what or who can help me.

I just want to feel happy and carefree. 

I'm in pain again.