My Laundry Machine Tried To Sell Me Ozempic

The title is not an exaggeration. Let's discuss!

So, first things first, I've been a bit absent from online because I just moved apartments! The space is a huge upgrade for me, and I'm a 15 minute walk from work. 

Another big sell? An in-unit washer/dryer combo. I've never actually had laundry in-unit; for the last 15 years or so I've had to go down to a scary basement where they had coin-op machines that became app-operated sometime around the start of the pandemic. So while I was excited to have my own machine, management forgot to install it by my move-in date (that's a whole other story, actually, but I digress). Luckily, at least this new apartment's scary basement machines had the same app as the old place, so I didn't lose the money I had on my digital card.

All this is to say, two weeks ago they finally installed my very own laundry machine, so I had no need for the app anymore. The app apparently noticed this, and emailed me a "we miss you" email offering a $30 credit. "Okay," I thought, not reading the fine print, "if, god forbid, anything happens to the in-unit machine, it would be good to have some laundry machine cash on backup so I can use the scary basement." So I clicked the link.

I quickly realized this was not really a $30 credit, but mostly a free month of various subscription services they are hoping I will forget to cancel. Annoying, sure, but nothing I haven't seen before. I was curious enough to see what they had on offer when I saw this:

Turn $30 into $60 with this one easy(?) trick!

Um. Excuse me?

First off, I thought this was a $30 gift. Secondly...does that tube say "Ozempic"? The drug for diabetics that's been repackaged as a weight loss drug? That Ozempic?

So yeah, I switched to a private tab and clicked through. (Although I'm sure the disordered eating ads will find me regardless. I'm not giving them clickthrough revenue at least?)

Wow, yep. There it is.

"Get approved with this 3-min quiz, no insurance needed." Oh for sure, when I put myself on a medication meant for a condition I don't have, I definitely would prefer to get approval though an online quiz rather than see a real doctor. Is this not dystopian to anyone else??? THIS CAME RECOMMENDED FROM AN APP YOU USE TO WASH YOUR CLOTHES. I ALREADY FEEL CRAZY ENOUGH HAVING TO USE AN APP TO WASH MY CLOTHES.

And now I can get my semaglutide by app too. Awesome society I love it.