Public Diary #1

So this is going to be my Public Diary... 

I honestly don't know what I am hoping to get out of this, but I have a lot of thoughts and I think maybe sharing somewhere could be helpful. I'm not expecting anyone to read this, but sometimes things at least need to feel like they were said. 

This is my first entry, I'm trying to find words to say. There are a lot of things on my mind at all times, but articulating them can be hard. 

My name is moon, I'm 26 and a woman. or a girl. i feel like both, and sometimes neither. i currently have no idea what i'm doing with my life. when some things don't work out how you thought they would, things can get confusing. i guess this is an attempt to somehow figure out what to do. 

My life in the last few years has felt like a bit of a failure, the amount of opportunities that slipped through my fingers because i was too scared or overwhelmed feels embarrassing. now i sit behind all the doors that i closed and feel hypocritical for even complaining. and it is truly amazing to have insight into a lot of my flaws, but it feels like eternal punishment to not be able to do better. 

I have spent all of my twenties so far trying to be a better person than i was before - to myself, the people around me, my family and friends, my ambitions in life - and i feel like i have not progressed. i still cannot show up for myself and the world how i want to. and the guilt i feel from this is paralyzing. leaving me feeling more guilty and in this paradoxical cycle.

I love art and making music, but i have not had the energy to create recently, or in a while really. at least not in a way that i want to. i love to surround myself in nature, and am currently finding myself living in a city, with way too much noise and too little trees. i don't know if i refuse myself pleasure because i feel like i do not deserve it, or if i am having a hard time finding pleasure at the moment in general. maybe both. i want to create more again, and maybe this is a start. 

xx moonjoy