new issue w my mom

I come from a broken family where my mom separated from my dad and I chose my mom to live with. It's been 4 years since all the chaos happened, and it deeply wounded me. It brought me away from God yet it also brought me closer to Him. My mom hates my father's mother and my father too. She hates them so much (especially my grandma) that she doesn't want to see her or even be anywhere near her.

I want my mom to know that it's been 4 years that I haven't been with the whole family, I've only been with her and my siblings as a whole. I want my father  I want my grandparents. Them, my siblings, and my mother all in one room is enough to make me happy. I miss the times we laughed in the living room and each picture we took on Christmas. My mother separating from my father's family must've been so freeing for her, but what about me? It may seem like it freed me at first but it didn't. I am craving family bonding and I am not getting it. I am craving the love of my father, my siblings, my grandparents, my whole family. She probably doesn't know that I am suffering in silence because I am not surrounded with my family.

Today, my grandparents (father side) visited me in my mother's home (i live with her.) I used to hate having them visit, now I feel indifferent and kind of open to them. I'm happy to see them and I'm grateful for the things they give me. She said for her birthday, me and my mom should go with her to celebrate. I thought this would be a wonderful idea, but I thought about what my mom would think.

I prayed to God that He may shape her heart into a forgiving heart. I cried while I prayed because I wanted the family back together. I just hope He doesn't ignore my request.

My mother holds the greatest grudge against her. She doesn't want to forgive her and she doesn't want to accept her. My grandmother mentally abused us, it was really visible back when we were all together. My father is a dead-beat drunkard. I don't blame her for not liking them because I have also hated them too. I thought about killing them before, that's how much I hated them. I wanted to avenge my mother and my siblings because they caused great suffering upon us. I still remember my brother's tears and my sister pretending that everything is fine.

I forgive my father and my grandmother because it's the right thing. If God can forgive us all, then I can forgive my enemies. I want them back. I miss my father so dearly even though he abused me. I miss my grandparents so much even though they manipulated me. I am not developing stockholm syndrome btw lol.

I just pray that my mother can forgive too. To learn how to let go of the past and finally be freed like she always wanted to. It's sad because she thinks she's free and protecting her peace by avoiding her enemies, but I think that she never had peace in the first place. Her so called "peace" is just a distraction from the real world and the stuff she actually has to face. How can you live in peace when you hold so much anger in your heart? How can I live in peace when I have so much sorrow in my heart that I don't even want? Her grudge and hatred is so strong that even I am being involved. She's not the only one hurting. 

Once I told her about my grandmother's request, she said I should go instead. I asked her why, she answered: "I don't need stress in my life." That's true. No one wants stress and no one needs it. But has there ever been a life without stress? Jesus, the Word incarnate, also stressed and even cried. He stressed so much he began to sweat blood. There is no life with no stress. If you say that, then you are ignoring it and causing more stress. You can't block stress out of your life forever—it is always there. And she has to accept this because it is the truth. Refusing the truth causes more stress. If she keeps all of this up, she's getting to nowhere. She is running in circles, in the same park of her imagination that is nothing like reality.

Her behavior tells a lot. She is obviously a traumatized person who is afraid of getting hurt again. I was like that too, then I accepted Christ and everything is so much better than before. I pray that she accepts Christ's help, that she finally gives in and is no longer hiding. 

My mother is prideful. She refuses to acknowledge her mistakes. She refuses to face the truth because it is not the truth she shaped in her head. She refuses to accept the truth that she's just a hurt woman who shuts out whatever stresses her. And she's been doing that for so long that she has become prideful.

Sadly, I can't do anything but pray. I tried encouraging her once to forgive her enemies then she told me: "I'm not Christ." That's true there's only one Jesus, but that doesn't mean we can't change. That doesn't mean that we can't follow and be like Jesus, there's plenty of time to change.

Forgiving is hard, but all of us have to forgive whether we like it or not because it is a part of growth.