08

I hate getting jealous. It's pathetic, really, sitting alone in my room crying just because my friend has other friends that she talks to. It's idiotic. It's silly. But I can't stop feeling like this; it makes my heart hurt every time. I fear she will leave me eventually, and I don't want that. I love her. I love her with all of my heart; she's the first person to ever understand me. Besides, it's not like I have any other friends. I'm so miserable it's laughable. And then there's Mum getting jealous every time I hang out with said friend.

She's allowed to have other friends, I'm glad she has them, I really am. I know I can be a draining person, I've probably been so annoying lately because I rant about Mum and Dad every day. She says she doesn't mind it and that she understands, but part of me can't help but feel like she's lying in some way. I wish I was normal. I wish small things like this didn't bother me. I can't even tell if I'm jealous because she gives these other friends attention, or if I'm jealous because I want to have more friends. People just don't like me, even my own family. Today has been the first time I've ever held a true conversation with family at an event. Usually, they say one word, and then I don't exist. I see it in my grandmother's house, she has a lot of pictures up of her other grandchildren, but there's only one up of me; just myself, nobody else. I think I'm just tired of being like this, I wish I were likeable.