20th April 2025

Dear reader,

Happy 4/20. To be frank, I don’t give a shit about Easter, I think that the way it’s celebrated these days is more capitalistic than anything to do with Jesus, although I consider myself more of an agnostic than an atheist. I truly only care that it’s 4/20, and I have an excuse to smoke copious amounts of weed with no questions asked. Seriously, today I’ve been testing my tolerance though I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually greened out. However, I hope that you’ve had a lovely day, whether you’ve celebrated Easter or 4/20. 

Pretty soon, I start college again. I’ve been so far behind that I think I’m going to have to fully retake my course. Between my mental health, physical health, and personal life, it’s really hard to find the balance I need to be able to focus on academics. My attendance is below 50%, so much in my life has happened the last year alone that it’s depleted me, let alone everything else that I deal with both mentally and from the past. I have ambition, I have a sense of direction, but I just don’t have the work ethic when it comes down to college, so how am I going to obtain anything? I am always fatigued and in pain, there is always some mental displeasure gnawing at my mind and my personal life is full of wreckage, how am I supposed to will myself to care about grades when I feel as though I’m in survival mode? It’s difficult, I’m trying to take it one day at a time but it’s hard when the topic is my future.

In addition, it’s inconvenient timing that my therapist has dropped me. I already feel cut off from my peers but now I don’t have much of an outlet. Left to my own vices, I feel astray as if I will only revert and I don’t want that. I don’t know if I ever really got better to begin with, or if there is such thing as better. I won’t give up hope, as I know these sort of processes aren’t linear, but doesn’t defeat just sound so much easier? I intended for this blog to be lighthearted, but the nature of my mind isn’t. I just hope to feel better than the lingering clouds of doubt that have shrouded my head as of lately.