An authentic apology because my other response was awfully lacking, and further addressing the cum zone + relations

Trigger warning for generally sexual content, discussion of trauma, abuse, and known fartlord70 behavior. If you’ve read the google document on them, you’ll be familiar.

note that absolutely none of my explanations for my behavior are excuses; simply explanations to provide context, and allow further understanding. i’d appreciate if anyone would help spread this, but you’re not obligated to.

the drama would’ve likely been discarded by now but i’ve come to my senses. my previous response was simply an acknowledgment not directly addressing my disagreement with some of fartlord’s (as she’s still remembered here as) actions, because i sent it directly to them to be uploaded. i’ve told them before and i’ll say now that i’m scared of them. am i a victim of them? not at all, i chose to remain their friend and that’s my fault. i thought perhaps i could help them until now. 

as in, recently fartlord said something disgusting in a new discord server of hers (essentially an alternative to cum zone after it’s cancellation) which made me realize they’re just too far gone and stupid. what an awfully late realization but better now than never 

i’ve since left, thus lack evidence, but she said that suicidal people are pussies and committing the act is deserved if they’re that weak. i tried to explain why such ideology is harmful and she brushed it off. hence i left the server and our group chat. this was our exchange.

just ok then. she severely lacks comprehension skills. also, i formerly overused the r slur which i can’t reclaim as i’m not mentally disabled, but i am quite mentally ill which influences my actions. i will stop now, as it reflects my poor emotional management and i utilize it whenever i become upset.

i understand it’s awful to use as a slur when not reclaimed as it compares simply stupid people to those who are genuinely mentally disabled and need help. when i distanced my online life from my real life i've realized how much i’ve suspended my morality; when i was younger my mom had a client with an actually retarded son, and she said that she heavily disliked retard used as a slur. 

reflecting back on that that made me realize sensitivity is fine. it’s ok to get upset because sometimes things genuinely hurt people; that little boy was just a mentally disabled person trying to live as anyone else. he was flesh and blood like i am, like all of you are. hence no, i don’t agree with calling fartlord slurs in this circumstance anymore. 

yes, i did tell her to kill herself. do i agree with that still? if she remains a horrible person who doesn’t want to change, constantly hates, and waters down other’s emotions, then honestly yes. she reminds me of my sister in a sense (read further down for my explanation on that). 

i want to work on my emotions in general away from these people, whom i’ve officially found are dumb and not worth my time. anyways, the difference between me and fartlord was that i maintained the bare minimum of decency, as in, i criticized her when she crossed the absolute line. (which was set too far anyways, i know. harassment at least should’ve just been the line)

yes i did participate in the harassment against benny and saturnsoup. yes that was stupid and too far. benny was repulsed by the sh, ed, and porn channels and simply left. were they a bit sensitive? yes. do i favor sensitive people? no. does that mean they deserve to be harassed? not at all. is sensitivity understandable to me despite being desensitized? yes. he didn’t even throw a fit. he was just disturbed. 

i participated in it heavily because for once i felt like i had a friend group who i could be liberated with and discuss darker subjects with. fartlord is 19. i’m a minor far younger than them. some things i've said regarding time frames relating to my age are inaccurate. albeit i’ll never tell my exact age, (perhaps someday but not soon at all), i’ll say i’m still emotionally underdeveloped and easily influenced by those who i perceive as higher figures with larger presence. that was fartlord to me. i said i didn’t care but after becoming more in touch with reality, i do. hence this post.

My trauma and it’s influence on why I maintained contact with them

i got upset because what they said reflected years of what i was told and thought during my darkest times in which i wanted to kill myself. i had been sexually abused by my sister for years, i wet the bed for years during the abuse because i couldn’t control my own body anymore, i developed an obsession with cleanliness because my body felt permanently dirty and broken after every time she assaulted me, had chronic nightmares, and the torment went on for the most crucial parts of my childhood. the worst fucking part is that i’ll likely never get justice, and she’s out and about free with a family of her own. and her emotional layered with her sexual abuse drove me toward suicide even further, beyond my inherited mental illness. 

i could never speak up because i was scared of being weak, even just as a little girl; i had to mentally grow up and fend for myself early. because my family told me there’s no reason for suicide, it’s for the weak, and it’s wrong; i should just live and be grateful. particularly my sister watered down my emotions. i immediately saw my years of trauma in their words. my trauma has shaped me into the person i am today; i’m devoted to helping people because i want to give them a voice like i never had growing up, which i’ve failed at. i’m now planning on seriously studying to become a psychologist one day, whilst i work on myself and attend therapy.

my obsession with cute and feminine things is rooted in me trying to grasp the innocence of childhood i never got to properly experience. it’s also apart of why i’m quite emotional; i never got to emotionally develop properly in my environment growing up. when they posted rape threats toward sasha in particular and called people pussies for having basic empathy and wanting to apologize i should’ve left them immediately, albeit i did heavily criticize them. yet they showed no empathy, both in the server and our dms

because she’s an sa victim and even though i don’t favor her either, i can understand her pain, though it differs for everyone; it genuinely ruins one’s perception of love and intimacy for life. i can’t feel loved anymore if i’m not sexualized or abused. the primary reason i stayed is because of my sexual trauma; and how sexuality in my family was shunned due to religion. 

i felt sexually liberated after the porn channel got added, as i had been oppressed from discussing such subjects with my other friends. and with everything else, the sh channel—the illusion of “freedom” caught up to me. i wasn’t liberated, i had merely become a reflection of everything unhealthy i use to fill my void.

they didn’t ruin me as i’ve said to them, rather they indirectly influenced me to embrace my worse sides instead of working on them. albeit deep down inside i knew they’d never do that, and they serve as a hypocritical shell of apathy and failure of a human. most of all i’ve ever wanted was to be “normal, cool” and fit in. their edginess and taboo nature attracted me, because that’s the content that’s been embedded in my mind for so long.

A direct apology to benny, saturnsoup, and sasha

i can’t apologize on my former friend group’s behalf because i know it’ll lack authenticity, as in, they’ll likely never be genuinely sorry—as they’ve failed to criticize fartlord when necessary—i have as well obviously, but at least i’ve done it more—albeit as someone who helped the harassment flourish and encouraged the mass reporting of your accounts, i’m sorry.

i know it must’ve been scary to have your reputation fall beneath you simply because you were merely disturbed by a taboo server plus it’s antics, and not a certain group of people’s kind. it’s ok to be sensitive to taboo subjects, and benny, you weren’t obligated to stay in the discord server. i know you know but i’m acknowledging the truth on my behalf.

i know it’s my fault for heavily assisting in your plotted downfalls, which fortunately failed, and i must say i’m changing. i hope you can understand my reasoning behind participating in their antics and remaining their friend for too long.

and sasha, you may never remember me the same again, but i understand your pain and you’re just a kid like me. please stay safe. i’m so sorry.

Conclusion

tldr; albeit you really should read it all for full understanding, i’m quite young and often gullible with people of higher presence, particularly online, and i fell into a dark place where i embraced the worst parts of myself and suspended my morals.

ani, i know you’re going to see this. call me a pussy all you want but at least i’m adapting to my morals and developing as a person unlike our friend group could. unless you’re willing to change someday, don’t dm me ever again, thanks

and i’m aware the harassment was for “shits n giggles” but it’s still harassment not worth my time. there are many more beautiful things to do rather than hate.

i won’t return to spacehey after this is received, processed, understood, then dies down. ofc u can still tell me ur thoughts in the comments and i’ll try to respond in decent time ^__^ 

as for me i’m going to try to live a simple , happy life for now. i’m not going to get caught up in toxicity and hatefulness anymore.