This is´nt who I thought I be

When I was younger, I did´nt dreamed of winnig and standing on a podium. Compared to all my friends I did´nt cared about medals or records. I justed loved to skate. To move and dance on the ice. To feel the rhythm of music running through me like a (cold) wave.

To be honest I`m still not exactly sure, why I loved ice skating that much - maybe because it made me feel free or cause it simply keeped me busy and distracted?

Anyways, this isn´t important for this blog entry. 

Well, I started to skate at the age of four. For years skating was only a little hobby of mine, but at some point I had realised that i wanted to skate more, that I wanted to get better. I think I was around the age of eight when my mom and I started to search for a way into competive sports. At first I tried it in the world of solo skating, but they soon told me that I was to old to learn everything and that I would  have no chance in competitions. So we keepted looking for something else. And soon we found Ice Dancing Berlin. Like the most of you, I also didn´t knew what Ice Dancing exactly was. On the other hand it also didn´t really mattered to me as long as I could increase my skating. And this is how I meet the best trainer I have ever meet. Her name was Steffi and I soon started with Ice Dancing because she did´nt though I was to old or had to little skills.

The thing about Ice Dancing is that you need a partner, and as a pair of two you perform dances on the ice. The focus is on the rhythm, interpretation of music, and precise footwork. It´s not about big jumps and lifts, it´s about closly moving together in harmony with the beat. The point is you normally aren´t alone. Which was perfect for me because, I was really scared of facing competitions all on my own.

I for sure was pretty lucky at the start, because soon after I joined a boy the same age as me begann with ice dancing too. He did solo ice skating before and was on the sport school, so he was clearly better than me. But that wasn´t a big problem, because I soon started to get better. So we became a pair. Later I also changed to the sport school, to train more and stuff like that. But sadly this school was my personal hell, it was so bad that I even changed the class (my Partner did so too). I wanted to leave the school after the sixt grade but my  mother did´nt let me. So I had to stay another year with this mean people. Well atleast my new class was´nt that mean to me in the beginnig, if I think about it they never where really mean they just not included me in anything. It got so worse that nobody even noticed if I was late for class, not even the teachers. Nobody cared, it was like I was invisible. Also this all happend in the middle of corona. Which meant that I could´nt train much and  also I got a feet problem. My feets were always hurting, almost every hour of the day. The thing with my feet is hard to explain. I lack muscle tissue, and that´s why I was almost always in pain due to the heavy strain. So now I had to wear certain insoles, do exercises and couldn´t train much (because of the pain)

All this changed my mind, I got pretty depressed and slowly started to think about quiting. Also me and my partner splitted up because we did´nt get along together anymore. I could had keep going solo for some timt, till i would find a new partner, but I no longer wanted to keep going, to wait, and wait. I was so exhausted from everything, I couldn´t take it any longer. Soon after Steffi my trainer quietet too and some guy I hated would had been my new trainer. This was the final thing, that made my decision to quiet complete. And at the sweet age of thirteen I stopped.

The dream of being a skater no longer fitted me. And I had to become a complete diffrent person than I thought I´d be. When I was youger I always thought that i somehow would do ice skating my whole lifetime and that my job would have to do something with it. For years over years my life was about skating, until it wasn´t. I´m not who I was four years ago. 

Later I tried to do another ice skating sport, because I missed skating so much but it did´nt worked out. It was´nt as much fun as it justed to be, eventhough I still loved it. I still often think of ice skating from time to time. And every time i think about it I miss it. Sometimes it really sucks, that I´m not able to do it anymore. I often daydream about skating and who i could had become. But when I think about this big change in my life over the last years. This made me who I am now. I don´t think I did a mistake with crossing this time border of me becoming someone my younger self would hardly regonize, eventhough it was pretty painful and still is sometimes. I´m happier now, there so many things that my old me never would have tried, that the new me enjoys more I enjoyed skating in the end. Quieting dosent´s has to be someting bad, sometimes it´s the best thing you can do for yourself, and for the person you will become. Sometimes you have to let go and cross borders to become the person you really are. It can be hard, really hard I know that, but trust me it gets better. It will take some time but you´ll see. Sometimes you just have to stop chasing your biggest dream, in order to find yourself.

This blog entry is for all the people who are going through a big change in life, especially for the young ones who are trying to figure out who they are, after letting go of something they loved more than nothing in world. For all the students that had to quiet a sport, stopped chasing a dream or just feel diconected from the version they used to be. For those who think they always have to do well ( you don`t! ) And especially also for those who think they have to need there life all planned out. This is for everyone who´s starting to see that life dosen´t always goes the way you expect and of course for anyone else too.

Maybe you wonder why I choosed this blog as format to tell my little story. I don´t know completly why but I peronsally like blogs because I love to read this kind of personal texts written by another human being. Also it allows me to tell my story in a personal and reflective way. I have enough space to slow down, be honest and share what I really felt, by not only sharing facts but also the emotions behind them. For me blogs feel like a quiet conversation and that´s exactly the kind of conservations I want with my readers. Unlike videos a blog invites the reader to sit with the story/experience that is told. Also you can always edit a blog, if you want to add or remove something.

I`ll never be the person I thought I be and I outgrew my biggest dream, but for that I found new dreams to chase and I´m slowly becoming the person I want to be. So if you think about quieting your biggest dream, don´t worry there are defently things worse than that.