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Me and my family have been known to be slobbish, filthy, and grimy our whole lives. imagine a completely trashed home, but instead of being a small duplex or a quaint apartment, its a two story house. some of the trash that is on the floor of our home hasn't been touched since i was in fourth grade (im a sophomore in high school now.) we dont use 60% of the house anymore because of all the clutter.
the clutter and trash have been around for a while. the bed bugs came about a year ago. an entire year, living with these things, doing little to nothing to terminate them. at first, i thought it was a normal state. another insect we had to live with on top of the spiders, ants, and occasional stink bugs every other summer. but then, i think i accidentally transferred some to my friend's house, and she and her family started cleaning their whole house and putting all their belongings in bags to immediately treat and kill the bed bugs. i remember the way my heart dropped when she told me and then the cold realization of how disgusting i am.
its worth noting that my parents are not particularly active. they both have bad health problems and trouble moving sometimes. but, my mother is the most active. earlier in the week, she actually managed to clean her room and move all her belongings either into her closet or to the side and actually picked apart her bed to treat it chemically. of course, she''s not very smart and didnt vacuum the frame and mattress after she was done and a few bed bugs still survives, sprouting the issue again. but still, it gave me hope.
i should also mention that i sleep on the couch. as a child, i was very picky that my bed can't be springy, and thus, i abandoned it. the couch, however, is a piece of shit and at least 7 years old. its been falling apart long before that too. its heavily infested as well, and theres no possible way to get into all the rips and tears with chemicals even if i tried my best.
ive begged my mom over and over for us to please buy a new one, to get cleaning, to make a schedule for laundry and dishes so clothes stop piling up in the middle of the living room floor and the dishes stop overflowing the sink, but i feel like it never works out. we always just 'forget' and procrastinate.
i wouldnt wish this piece of shit hell house on my worst enemy. i hate myself for not listening to my parents about cleaning my room as a child. i wish they didnt give up. im so ashamed of the way ive lived my whole life and the things ive done to hide it from other people.
does anyone have some advice? someone who has been in a position like mine that can tell me what exactly i can do? ive been on the verge of meltdown all year and i dont know if i can take anymore...
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Dio
I can only imagine the guilt you must feel for transferring this to your friend's house. I want you to know that this isn't your fault. You are a KID. You had no chance of knowing how to prevent this. If I was your friend, I wouldn't be mad at you at all, so I hope your friend isn't either.
You say that you wish you listened to your parents when they told you to clean, but a kid not cleaning their room would not have caused this situation. It started with your parents.
I am not in the same situation as you, but some method that I use to deal with uncomfortable conversations may help you with talking to your mom so I'll share that with you:
1. Write down exactly what you are going to say, what you need from her, and why, so that you are not speaking off the top of your head when you are talking with her.
2. Make it formal. This is a big conversion, and it should feel like it. Sit down with her, and be open about how serious you are about this. Ex: "I want to talk to you about something that is very serious to me"
3. Start with things you that appreciate about her, to let her know that this is not a personal attack on her. Ex: "First of all I appreciate you for raising me all these years, I know that raising a kid isn't easy and I wasn't a perfect child but you've always been there for me and I am grateful for that"
The goal is to get her into a good mood by making her feel seen and appreciated.
4. Do not speak in negative terms. Speak in positive terms instead. Ex: "I wish you would be more productive", instead of "I wish you weren't lazy"
5. Getting into an argument will not help, so do NOT blame her or get angry at her. If you start to feel angry towards her, excuse yourself. Ex: "I'm starting to feel too emotional to talk about this. Can we talk about this again later?"
6. Somewhere in the conversation, throw in the consequences of what will happen if your needs aren't going to be met. Ex: "This is so bad for my mental health, I gotta call cps if this carries on" "I will go no contact with you as soon as I turn 18, if we won’t start working towards helping out with my mental health"
7. Let her know that you are in this together. Ex: "I won't throw all the responsibility on to you. If you need me to make a call to someone, or literally anything that I can help you with, I'll do it. I want to improve the situation together, for the both of us"
If this was helpful and you have more questions, do ask away! You can DM me too if that makes it easier. Either way, I hope that things will get better for you.
Also, if she starts talking abt how she feels, what she thinks, don't interrupt her, to make it seem like you are really on her side. And don't let her interrupt you either. Ex: "Wait, lemme finish this thought before I forget"
by Dio; ; Report
Use the Ex if she tries to interrupt you
by Dio; ; Report
★ zhuva ★
first off, don't blame yourself. it's one thing to keep your room a mess, it's another for your parents to let it get to this point. that is a health hazard, and it should not be dealt with lightly. im sure that there are some underlying problems that caused all of this, but i know this is a sensitive topic, and i'll try my best to approach it delicately.
one of the most logical things would be to call authorities/professionals for help, as this is a serious issue that only you or your family can't deal with. but calling authorities might cause more issues, as your living situation could be considered as child endangerment. if not authorities, then someone else: a family friend, a relative. someone.
but that's not what you proposed as the concern, so i won't go further.
you could tell your mom that the insect infestation is a serious health concern, and treating it head on would be cheaper than dealing with the health problems it would cause later on (this'll work well if saving money is their upmost priority). if it already has caused issues with your health, you shouldn't hide them and tell her just how bad it is affecting you. even if it's "not that bad", you need to paint it for her just how bad your situation is. it's easy to get accustomed to a difficulty if it feels like there's no solution, to the point that it becomes part of your normal life and "not a big deal".
the insect infestation will come back if the house is still dirty, mostly by food scraps lying around. treating it chemically won't work at getting rid of the insects, if they can hide away in the rubbish.
your mom is obviously bothered by it to for her to take action, so you could maybe show her that you ALSO are bothered. she probably won't get rid of the couch anytime soon, cuz not only is it expensive to replace it, but she probably sees no point in as it will also get infested with bugs if the house isn't dealt with at the start.
first, start throwing away everything you can, everything infested (make sure to wear gloves). you can start slow, but as the house appears less cluttered, it will definitely take off some strain and probably make you see that this too can be solved. start one room at a time, like the living room, or the bathroom, and work your way out. if you start with the bathroom, you can be done with it quicker, and create almost a "safe place" for you to feel like you're making progress. then the living room, cuz that's where you're spending most of your time. maybe your parents' room next, and so on.
it might seem like a lot, and, well, it is. but. BUT. take. it. slow.
don't start everything together, only for you to get overwhelmed and give up. it's a marathon, not a sprint. slow, but definite progress will make your mom encouraged not only to call for help, but also to work with you too.
sorry for the wall of text, but i couldn't help but say what i can.
i get the situation youre in. i had a similar experience long go, which now looking back on it, probably wansn't that bad. i had noone i could ask for help, my siblings were the ones that also needed the help, and it just kept getting worse cuz at the end of the day, i was paralysed. it's a really vulnerable situation youre dealing with. im sure it's difficult to talk about it irl, cuz it feels almost embarrassing to admit youre struggling.
for me, it was a family friend that helped and encouraged me to do what i can. slowly, with dedication and some tears, i got through it.
and so can you. trust me. it might be difficult, but not impossible.
by ★ zhuva ★; ; Report