A little look into the things i keep hidden (TW)

In case this is your first time hearing from me, hi, I'm Max, I'm almost 15 and this is going to be a small look into what most people don't know about me. 


TRIGGER WARNING: this post has mentions of Self-Harm, Suicide, Depression, and Addictions I don't sugarcoat things so if any of these things are too much for you, you have been warned.

I've been struggling with my mental health since I was around 10 or 11 years old, at first it was the "am I actually as smart/pretty as people think I am?" but as I got older and I started figuring out my identity and such my mental health hasn't been the best. Like many identities, Transgender people are often targeted and attacked for just being themselves. Having to hide who I am has taken a huge toll on my mental health. I started having these issues just after I turned 13.

I hate how people romanticise Depression, they can say so many things about it. But what most people don't get is that it sucks more than you'd think. I physically can't get myself out of bed to brush my teeth or shower, it drains my energy and I literally can't do anything else. I started Self-Harming around late 2022 early 2023, I feel like I deserve it, and the cuts make me actually feel something for once. I can't stop, it doesn't matter what it is, butter knife, razor, metal pen cap, my own nails and teeth. I start to get better and then I revert all the way back to where I started, the exact thing I wanted to get out of. I've thought about attempting a few times, but I'm holding on by a literal thread.

I've had addiction issues since the later months of 2024 September and October. at first it was stealing a tiny sip from an empty beer can, then I was drinking little bits from bottles or cans that were left out on the counter. But that eventually turned into me stealing a bottle or 2 from the fridge. I know, not even 15 and you're drinking. I. Cant. Stop. I feel like my body needs it to function. I can't go more than a day or 2 without some. My parents obviously don't know about it, I don't think they've noticed the missing bottles either. I feel disgusted with myself because I resort to digging through the boxes of cans and bottles hoping to find at least a little left in a bottle or a small can. That's as much as I can type before becoming burnt out. Please keep any and all comments respectful or else they'll be deleted.