(¬_¬")

its been 5 months since i dropped my friend of 2 years (●'◡'●) he kept pissing me off and i could feel that if i continued being friends with him then my mental would worsen. but ever since 5 months ago, ive regretted it. every single day, all the (around) 150 days. i know i wouldve still felt shitty whether i was still friends with him or not, but i feel like if i was still friends with him to this day, i would be feeling a lot better rn.

i still cry at night thinking about him. i still spend most of my days thinking about him (i literally am right now). i still beat myself up over it. i've made newer friends, and i even talk about him to them. when i *was* still friends with him, thinking about him is what i did everyday, like i was obsessed with him or something. it became an everyday routine. i started doing it subconsciously. i'd even have dreams about him every now and then (lol). and because it became routine, i still do it now that we arent friends

i just want to stop. i want to let go of him. i am fully aware we arent friends anymore and i dont want anything to do with him anymore, i hate him with all my heart now. in the past (around month 2-3 i believe) ive written graphic, evil things about what i want to happen to him, and yet i still think about him like a lovesick freak.

ive been trying to find online friends to distract myself (and also because i just need friends), but if they arent anything like him, then i have no interest in talking to them. i cant stop ghosting, even if the other genuinely thinks im interesting and wants a friendship with me. but then even if the person *is* similar to him, it disgusts me because i hate him so much, so i'm not sure what i want anymore. i just want life to go back to normal

if hes reading this, i just wanna say i hope you get diagnosed with an incurable illness and shortly after become paralyzed from the neck down and bedridden for the rest of your life anyway i hope i can become a normal human being soon ❤️