17th April 2025

Dear reader,

My entire life, I have felt like an alien spectator among humanity. I’ve floated through friend groups like a ghost, remaining invisible and flying under everybody’s radar until I was inevitably discarded. It has always been this way, even in a populated room — no matter the scenery, no matter the group or dynamic — I have always felt like an outsider looking in rather than part of the group. I don’t know what it is that prohibits me from forming a deeper connection in a group setting, but in that regard I think that I will always be alone. This used to fill me with dread, but now I think that I’m starting to find solace in the isolation. Having no obligations has felt rather freeing.

It isn’t that I have no friends at all, I just prefer to have individual friends rather than a group. I have never once had an enjoyable experience being in a friend group, in my opinion they’re more trouble than they’re worth. Although, it’s hard to make friends in a small town, everybody is connected and usually they’re connected to past friends who I’d rather die than face again. Those past friends love to gossip, and they never have a good thing to say about anybody, I can’t stand people like that as it’s such a mood killer, I was foolish to confide in them as I’m sure they talk shit about me just as they talked shit about others.

As of now, most of my friends reside on the internet. I have 3 IRLs, and one is my own damn sister. It kind of sucks having a twin sister because we always inevitably end up having the same friends and I feel almost like an extension of her. She’s more popular than me, prettier than me, sociable than me, smarter than me, and more likeable than me. That has been evident my whole life with how I’ve been treated, though I’ve gotten used to being in her shadow, it’s more comforting than the spotlight. Only 1 IRL I consistently hang out with once a week, the other has a packed schedule to it’s hard to find a time where we are both available, and when she’s available I’m usually too burnt out to function, despite not having much to do I am always fatigued and in physical pain.

I’m getting sidetracked. Today I hung out with my best friend and my sister, and it was very fun. I much prefer small hangouts, and this friend in particular is somebody who I don’t have to mask around, therefore my energy isn’t drained. I didn’t realise until this year that friends aren’t supposed to effortlessly drain the soul out of you, they aren’t supposed to demean you, they don’t unwarrantedly talk shit about others alongside you behind your back, they’re supposed to be up-lifting. Hanging out with my best friend is like a breath of fresh air I never though that I needed and I think that I would be content only having one best friend for the rest of my life because this is the first time I’ve really been in a social setting and actually felt a connection, felt free to be myself without a second thought of worry on how I’d be perceived. It’s a little pathetic, experiencing my first true friendship at the age of 17, but better late than ever, eh?

I don’t know where I was going with this, but I hope that this will be be a glimmer of hope out there for somebody. Even if you feel alone at the moment, you will find your person who will embrace you as you are. Anybody who makes you feel as if you need to change yourself or water yourself down is far from your friend, and that’s something that I wish I learnt a long time ago. If somebody really loves you, you will never need to fear being judged around them. Remember to put yourself first, don’t lose yourself amidst other people. You are worthy.

I would love to foster a positive space, so if are read this far, tell me about your person. Who makes you feel how I just described? I’d love to know! If you haven’t met that person yet, trust me, you will. If you ever doubt yourself over a lack of friends, remember that it’s better to have a minimal amount of people who you know that you can trust than a big amount of people with no true friends.