Life update 17/4-2025

Idk I havent been active here for a while so I felt like posting somthingggg.

So life recently has been lowkey chaotic, it lowkey feels like im forgetting who I am as a person. Last year it was rlly easy to just be myself since i had like three friends at most but now it just feels weird because the more social I am the more im masking. I hate masking but its like my brain just does it without me realizing it which has left me burnt out and tired.

Also i love my current friend group but somthing about me just misses the life i had a year ago, when i mostly was alone. Not saying a word in school unless i had to and just talking to my mutuals and online friends when i came home. I felt alot more accepted if that makes sense. I felt like I was more allowed to like weird stuff and now i dont feel as safe liking weird stuff even though i know my friends would be okay with it. 

Also my style has changed so fricking much the last few months. Starting at my new school i literally just wore the tiniest bit of eyeliner and mascare but now I can barley leave the house unless I do a full face of makeup. I dont like change, its scary. My style also. Last year I could literally wear graphic tee and baggy jeans and maybe if i wanted to dress it up a belt. Now everything has to be so calculated "this fits my body type" "i wore this outfit last week" "the porportions are off" "this is too basic" "this dosent feel like me today" are things i say to myself daily when choosing an outfit, somthing that took me literally five minutes a year ago. A year ago it took me about 20 minutes to get up and get ready for school, now it takes me over an hour. Last month I had a panic attack over my hair, somthing id never do last year since back then i literally couldnt care.

Guess what, my body image is also worse. I never recognize myself anymore. Every look in the mirror is different I literally feel like a new person every day. One day I love my body and face but the next day I dont recognize myself and I hate my body. Its weird. I dont like it.

That said my creativity has been insane lately, Ive created so much! I got back to drawing and filled out an entire sketchbook in two months and my new sketchbook that i got is nearly halfway filled already. Ive painted with bleach on alot of my clothes, cut up clothes, sewed clothes. Creating this much stuff has really helpes my depression lately and making clothes has made me more confident since i actually like the stuff I wear. Getting to express my creativity helps my mental health alot (advice for anyone else with depression).

Well thats about all I felt like writing today, baiiiiiii!!!!

XOXO