Blessings and Curses

I've started to collect topics and stuff to write about in a private blog post before creating a new one to publish. That way the new blog post actually shows up on "recent entries". If I just try to make the diary post public it will stay at the date it has been created, not made public. And since this website is to actually read peoples posts and interact, I think this new method makes a lot more sense. Does that mean interaction will actually increase? No, but it fits the intended use of this websites function. Everything else is up to the stars.

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Productive As Always

now that easter is approaching, I happen to be the only one in my team who's still at the office because I (somehow) am the only one who isn't bound to the school holidays. 

While that may sound kind of chill in theory, I literally also have nothing to do. Without my boss here constantly giving me yet another small useless task before I could even finish the first one, I actually managed to get through all my to-do's.

like at least 70% of my time at work has been spend by reading fanfics the last few days, no joke.

That and drinking copious amounts of coffee and tea... It's worth mentioning that it DID get me back into reading more at the very least. I've been incredibly picky when it comes to written works, having a hard time actually getting into stories and even just bundling the motivation to search places like AO3 in the first place. 

Good thing my bestie hast been recommending me fanfics like no other. Like a personal filter to suggest an individually curated library of what I might like. And it has been working WONDERS...

I haven't read this much in months! Ok granted, I also didn't have the time to. And I probably will be too busy again quite soon since our event hot phase will start again soon. (it kind of already did actually). safe to say though. AO3 has been my single most effective antidote against boredom recently, apart from mindlessly scrolling through various social medias. But the latter quickly turns my brain to mush so...

Speaking of the archive, I'm glad they are getting enough donations to keep running. Though I have seen a few people unfamiliar with the impact of the website complain about it, saying that these donations would be better put to use somewhere else. Now, while there are of course MANY things worth donating for, it is counterproductive to guilt trip people on their choice of their donation target. Just because there are other things that could use donations, doesn't mean that AO3 does not deserve them at all. It is simply another important thing worth protecting. 

A lot of people would probably argue with me about that last sentence. No matter what your opinion may be and what other things you personally put importance on is, in the end, personal preference. AO3 is an archive and while it may not collect scientific papers or the like, it should be common knowledge that preserving cultural and social history should be just as important. 

We can also argue about the morals of specific works on this archive and whatnot (which also just boils down to personal opinion, lets be real here). But just because they are morally grey or because you don't agree with their contents, does not mean they should be erased. That is exactly how people become compliant. "out of sight out of mind" and therefore nothing to compare against. Without questionable written pieces, we would not have the ability to observe and rationalize yet other works. They encourage us to think critically, to build our own opinion, to discuss and to train our watchful eye. 

In world war two, books were burned. Books which were deemed controversial and opposing to the current social norm, because if people were able to read those, they would have been able to question authority, politics, others way of thinking etc. 

Without critical material, there is no way to compare.

The same can be said about the rise of AI, but I have already ranted enough about it in another blog post. I think that should suffice.

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Change Can Be Scary At Times

especially for me. Always has been. 

Ever since I was a kid any type of major change has caused me an immeasurable anxiety. Maybe because it made me feel out of control of my life, maybe I'm just a person of routine, I don't know for sure.

The fact that instances of change seem to bunch up and then crash down on me all at once in unpredictable timestamps doesn't make it better. There is some sort of pattern...One that I just can't seem to grasp. 

For example:

 - for years and years I have navigated my life without a single potential partner in sight. And now all of a sudden there are three dudes and one woman who potentially, maybe, kind of show some signs of a connection going in that direction. Will it happen? No idea. It's foreign...and overwhelming.

- I've been wanting a tongue split for ages but since here in Germany it is technically illegal to do if you aren't a surgeon, there was never a possibility in sight. And now all of a sudden I found someone who does it and have made an appointment for consultation next week? All in the pan of like, three days.

- the final decision regarding if my chest reduction will be payed for is being made in June. Regardless of the answer I will have this surgery after that, self payed or not....finally. 

Many more small things elongating this list occasionally just adds to the general overload it gives me. Everything is moving too fast and too much for my liking. I also yet again have way too many plans and too little time to relax. 

I'm going to cologne over the easter holidays and before that I desperately have to clean and pack my stuff. On the following Monday a friend is coming over to my place so I can repair a bracelet of his. On the Wednesday that is my consultation appointment and on that Friday I'm on a party with friends directly followed by going to an escape room the Saturday after and working on an event on Sunday...I don't even know if I will get the Monday off after that. 

All of it is somewhat of a blessing and a curse. I love spending time with people close to me, I love experiencing things. But my energy level is unfortunately extremely limited...Meaning if I don't get enough rest I basically start deteriorating on the spot.

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What Goes Around, Comes Around...

Especially past traumas. Just as you start to believe that you managed to get over them, they sneak right back into your life; hitting you straight in your face when you least expect it. 

being bullied in school left quite the impression on me, unsurprisingly. Especially the aspects of it which focused on my appearance and behavior. 

Rationally, I know that this stuff was just kids and teens being mean and judgmental. However when I was being invited to a picknick by the friend group of one of the dudes I am starting to catch feelings for (unfortunately), I couldn't shake the feeling of being interviewed. 

okay, maybe "assessed" is a better word here. "studied" or, potentially, "observed" in order to form an opinion. 

For context: These people do not know me. At all. I've been randomly asked by said dude if I wanted to join a DND group cuz like two of his friends were also interested to form one. (Spoiler: nothing has come of this so far. The only thing they discussed in that chat was going to a medieval market.) We did not talk much, let alone about anything that would warrant them adding me to that picknick group. But alas, they did. Out of the blue. 

I didn't catch any bad vibes from them and my gut feeling wasn't ringing alarm bells either so I just kinda...ran with it? Besides the, let's just say "straining" organization the days prior, everything was quite chill. It was warm and sunny for once, everyone brought some snacks or the like as well. The people are nice as far as I know from the little time we have spend together. My guy friend was there too tho, which undoubtedly provided some social comfort I must admit. The conversations were pretty lighthearted. Some jokes here and there. 

And while all of this was pretty okay, two instances struck out to me. 

For one: after some jokes about how I "must hate them all" because I couldn't come to the movies afterwards (had other plans) and me going with the joke agreeing that the are "all such horrible people" so "no surprise I dislike them" (or something along those lines I can't remember), one of them replied with: "Oh for sure, especially [friend name], hm?"

...

ok suspicious.

...

second one was when we were walking back to the subway station. Me being so fucking tall ending up walking in front simply because my steps are so wide. My friend deciding to walk next to me instead of with the group in the back. Now here it's important to note that one of the had a digital camera with them (they were taking photos of each other in front of nature throughout the picknick)  All of a sudden I see a flash from behind, she was taking photos of us walking together for some reason.

I turned around asking if she was actually taking pictures of us and she responded that the photos turned out good tho.

...

I don't know what to make of this. It definitely means he has talked about me to them before. And it seems like it was in a manner of "she might like me" because those thinks his friends did feel incredibly like teasing. 

Now, the hopeful romantic inside of me wants to believe that it's teasing in a positive manner. That he, too, has maybe swooned a little bit when talking about me and his friends simply wanted to give it a little nudge. 

On the other side the, very badly hurt, child inside of me is scared out of their mind that this is just another way to make fun of me. That he talked about me in a "oh god I think she likes me but I'm not sure how do I make it stop" way. And that his friends invited me for exactly that reason: to assess, to judge, to determine if my attraction truly shows and how to proceed from here on out to save him from this uncomfortable misery and embarrassment. 

As bad as I make it sound here, its a hyperbole in the end. Confiding in your friends if you are unsure how to interpret someones intentions is human. Observing said persons behavior together in order to form more opinions and viewpoints, that way they can let them down gently, is normal as well. 

The uncertainty of it all is what drives me crazy, in all honesty. Maybe also the constant thought of "how could someone like someone like me?". The likelihood of it all is incredibly low.

Update on it: I am pretty sure I've been give an very not-so-subtle subtle hint that there is absolutely nothing going on when it comes to the topic of interest...Considering that the last convo I had with him had about 30 min of whats essentially "I'm not gonna start dating, I'm not intrested also let's NOT meet alone but in a group again from now on". Like damn, I know I can be painfully affectionate but it couldn't have been THAT bad, come on.

And If you are truly looking up my Spacehey after I showed it to you: My condolences. I swear I won't make it weird in person in the future and don't think too much into it. I'm just bad at interpreting peoples behaviour.

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At Last, There Was Music

All the absolute garbage that has been going on in general society and politics, this year at the very least looks pretty good music wise. There are a few releases me and my coworkers are pretty hyped about actually.

Sleep Tokens new album, of course (yes I know, fight me over it) but also HEISSKALT's album "Vom Tun und Lassen" was already a huge win, then there is Cleopatric's new album "Fake Moon". And of course Spiritbox's "Tsunami Sea".

I also discovered a lot of artists already, or more like, got into them more. Sticky Fingers being one of them. Pretty fitting for the upcoming summer to say the least. Thanks to my work I've also found a lot of very small bands/artists that I'm absolutely obsessed with. Namely the groups "IMPVRE", "The Attic" and "Loose Lips". There is also one solo artist simply going by "sarah", only having brought out one song which was ironically also recorded at my workplace. Regardless even with just that one song she immediately jumped to about 30K monthly listeners and streams streams on her song. To say our whole workplace is proud of her would be an understatement.

All of the new music awaiting to be discovered and listened to this year is honestly the only thing that keeps me going sometimes. And I pity those who do not have such a deep bond with this art form. Music steps in where simple words fail to describe and express oneself. At least in my case.

Therefore, I share songs and artists with everyone around me regardless of how annoying I might get with it. Sorry not sorry to all my friends, haha!