I was scared [17/04/25]

For a long long loooooooooooong time I was afraid of getting into new things, liking new things, trying new things 

I spent most of the time just liking the things I had already liked, things I had introduced to myself, things no one would be able to take away from me, that wouldn't hurt when I looked at them

A part of me always got kinda bored, but they were my identity, why would I get rid of them? Why would I stop liking them????

My identity, is a complicated lil' thing, and I was afraid that when I'd get into something, I'd lose myself, I'd get sucked in and forced to act like everyone else, when REALLY I had been doing that all along, just acting like everyone else, pleasing others, because I was scared

Honestly. It's okay, I don't blame myself, I was a scared little child with unsupervised internet access and... a lot of stuff going on in real life too. So when I knew, when I believed my identity was gonna be the things I liked and enjoyed, I was scared like " Wow Collector you really are going to ditch your own identity for more stuff to like? Isn't it enough already mr smartypants? You don't need to know and enjoy everything in the world. "

And it's true! I don't need to like everything in the world, but it's good to be knowledgeable, even if it's nerdy stuff!!!!!!!! You just have to try stuff, and well, if you don't like it you could always leave it unfinished! Knowing is good, but respecting yourself is better.

As for being scared about my identity, as I got older I met ....creatures who....despite being uhmmm, interesting to say the least, helped me discover who I was. For a while I was even scared of joining any discord servers even if I didn't know just one person, but when I met them, well not them specifically, but their friends. But when I met them I finally felt free, these were creatures who'd support me no matter how weird or dumb about myself I was. 

And in the process, I kinda met my boyfriend, I guess from one of those weird minds of adults who just hate fun people could say I brainwashed him into some otherkin shit cult but even when my brain wants me to feel bad I just can't cause, nah, he made those choices himself, I just told him the things I knew, and he's great, he's awesome!! I'm glad I met him, not just for myself but because I suppose with me he's the happiest he's ever been. With him around it got kinda hard to deny that I was me, that I was whatever things I was. He also accepted me just the way I am, and yeah I said a looooot of nerdy shit but eh, my unspoken nerd rizz worked /j

With the creatures I love finally accepting me, especially my boyfriend, I couldn't deny it anymore, I was not the interests, they just shaped me for a while, added to my identity, but they itself weren't me. I was always unique and weird and stuff and I was more than my interests and more than anything I got hyperfixated on

Now with my boyfriend by my side, I can get into new things because honestly? He makes a lot of stuff less scary for me, so, I'm not scared anymore, because I know if anything tries to hurt any of us we'll have eachother's back and, silly interests shaping my identity aren't gonna hurt us.

So, yeah! Progress!!! Woohoo!!!!!