travel journal entry #3

tODAY HASN’T ENDED BUT IT WAS THE BEST. i BATHED IN THE OCEAN WHICH I HAVEN’T DONE SINCE I DON’T KNOW WHEN. iT WAS COLD AND DIRTY BUT SO MUCH FUN.

i SAY THINGS I REGRET ALMOST ALWAYS BUT IT’S NOT SO BAD IF I FORCE MYSELF NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. i TRY TO REMIND MYSELF I’M NOTHING, AND I CAN BE WHATEVER. i DON’T NEED A PERSONALITY TO SHIELD ME FROM EXPERIENCE. i CAN SAY OR DO THE WRONG THINGS AND THE WORLD, I HAVE DISCOVERED, WILL NOT COLLAPSE. oNLY MYSELF, BUT NOT EVEN.

i DON’T KNOW IF I’M FINALLY IN CONTROL OR COMPLETELY LOSING IT BUT I FEEL BETTER NOW. nOW, TODAY, NOT FOREVER. bUT IT IS NICE.

i LIKE HAVING FRIENDS. tHEY ARE A SHIELD FOR EXPERIENCE, AND THE EXPERIENCE ITSELF– iT’S A WIN/WIN SITUATION.

i REALISED, TALKING TOO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF, AND A LITTLE ABOUT A FRIEND OF A FRIEND WHO ENDED HIS FIRST RELATIONSHIP NICELY, THAT ROMANCE HAS DONE ME MORE HARM THAN GOOD, AND IT KEEPS DOING SO AND I DON’T WANT TO LET IT.

i AM A CHILD, AT 22. i WANT TO KNOW MYSELF. 

i’M NOT READY FOR ANYONE ELSE. 

wHICH IS SAD BECAUSE ‘ANYONE ELSE’ IS PRETTY AND NICE AND MATURE AND HAS A JOB AND A DRIVING LICENCE AND LIKES ME BACK. bUT I’M NOT EVEN READY TO TELL HER I’M NOT READY– tHAT’S HOW UNREADILY TOXIC I AM.

cAUSE I AM.

iT’S FINE– BUT IT’S NOT, CAUSE I’M AWARE AND I CAN’T FUCKING STOP IT.

i JUST WANT TO FEEL NICE WITH SOMEONE.

bUT IF SOMEONE DOESN’T FEEL NICE WITH ME, IT ISN’T REALLY FAIR, IS IT?

iF I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE I’M ABOUT TO GET SHOT IN THE HEAD WHENEVER I DISPLEASE SOMEONE MAYBE I COULD SAY OR DO, EVEN THE WRONG THING, AND THE WORLD WOULDN’T COLLAPSE.

bUT, ALAS, I DO, AND SO, IT DOES.

tODAY WAS THE BEST, THOUGH.

(lnzrt/frtvntr)