Disappointing love life

Just whining about how hard it's been for me to find romance lately :P

Pretty much ever since my junior year of high school (almost 7 years ago now!!) I've had really bad luck with dating and relationships. My last serious boyfriend broke up with me around that time, and while I've since moved on, I haven't been able to find another guy that fits my standards, or likes me back, or hasn't had some major deal-breaking flaw... etc. 

I've been interested in other guys, but they've either turned me down, revealed themselves to be weird and creepy, or were just straight up bigots. I've tried dating apps, but couldn't stay on them for more than a day or so. I don't like the general vibe of dating apps - that is to say, I don't like the pressure that comes with having to flirt and show interest with someone right off the bat. For some people it's easier that way, in that they already know the other person is attracted to them, and there's no mystery there. But to me, the whole thing just seems sort of... fake? Inauthentic? Inorganic? If that makes any sense at all... :')

Needless to say, lately my love life has been filled with bitter disappointment. It's gotten to a point where I wonder if I even really need or want a relationship at all. For a while there, I felt as though I could be okay with never experiencing romance again. On the one hand, I'm fine with being independent in that regard. On the other hand, I do get pretty lonely sometimes. Do I NEED a relationship to be happy? Most definitely not. But I do want to be in one. I want a comfortable, stable relationship and all its challenge and communion, its ups and downs.

This long stretch of singlehood hasn't come without its benefits, though. I feel as though I've had a lot of time to look inward and reflect on myself. I feel as though I've improved myself in small ways, which is great because when it comes to loving another person romantically, I'd want to be my best possible self for them. 

It's also made me more spiritual... but that may not be as much of a benefit. I've been noticing angel numbers a lot more... in fact, I started paying attention to them all the way back in high school. I remember right before my boyfriend broke up with me in my junior year, I saw the numbers "999" pretty much everywhere. I learned that it meant that something in my life was coming to an end... and sure enough, soon after, I was dumped. I wonder now, could it have meant an end to my dating life as a whole? A few years ago, that thought might have terrified me, but now I think I'd be okay with it. But still, I get lonely. :') 

I want to meet someone organically, and I want us to discover our mutual feelings for each other. I want my soulmate, I want companionship, I want love. Will it be perfect? No. But we can make it wonderful. 

Until then, all I can do is try to make myself better.