My will to live, and Vinland Saga

*Mentions of suicide*

*No spoilers for Vinland Saga in this blog*

Vinland Saga saved me twice. Once when it changed who I am as a person (which I talked abt in this blog), and other when it prevented me from killing myself (which I'm going to talk about today)

Just like Donna Tart said, it is better to know one book intimately than a hundred superficially. For me, that one intimate book is Vinland Saga, and I’ll keep talking about Vinland Saga unapologetically.

I was a minimalist back then, because when I felt anxious, I went through each and every single one of my belongings to find things to get rid of. This process felt therapeutic. It made me feel like I was actually doing something about my anxiety, even though I wasn’t solving any root problems. This went on for a few years until my room became almost completely empty.

Even though I was very minimalistic, there were a few things I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of. Handmade gifts and letters that I received, old artworks that I made, a few books that were dear to me. But that changed the day I decided to kill myself. I didn’t want people to go through such intimate objects of mine after death. So, one by one, I burnt the letters, threw my art works and gifts in trash, and gathered books to get rid of. That’s when Vinland Saga caught my eyes. This manga was an important part of who I was, so I decided to read it for the last time. within a few volumes, I came across this quote: "傷つけてよい者などどこにもいない (Nobody deserves to get hurt)". Somehow, this quote hit deep. I've read and watched this show so many times, that I felt weight in these character's words. I started crying, I thought to myself, "Is this true, for someone like me too?" I curled up on my bed, and cried for an hour or two. I was hyperventilating for the most part. My chest was moving so fast, I got scared I was going to die (ironic, considering I was planning on killing myself). And afterwards, I felt lightweight. 

It wasn't friends or family. It wasn't a self help book. It was somebody's art work that had saved me. 

Since then I've been slowly adding to my belongings. My once dull, empty room is starting to have some personalities. I like to think that my room represents my growth as a person.

Here’s a corner of my room :)